Pity party for me starting at 9:00pm!🎉🥳🎈🎈🎁

Im not even old enough to drink or smoke yet and I feel like I’ve already given up dude. Everyone in my family is/has been addicted to drugs or alcohol at some point and I literally mean everyone. Im sure there are even more that I haven’t heard about. Im fat because I can’t just tell myself no with food and candy and thats probably the best case scenario honestly. I cut myself for around 4 months to the day about a year ago and the only reason I stoped is because it scared me so much because it was all I could think about. Just my entire day was cutting myself or talking to my online friends about sh or thinking about it or looking at my scars or whatever. Of course I tried to stop basically since the day I started but I just couldn’t put it down. I still think about it every time I get upset and I just lay in bed and it felt like my stomach was flipping with fucking anxiety at the thought of anyone finding out. I think it’s taken a few years off my life actually just worrying relentlessly about someone finding out and sending me to a mental hospital where my parents would have to pay thousands for my stupid ass to sit in for weeks. I still do this thing where I’ll look at people and what they’re wearing and wonder if they cut themselves, and if so, where? If someone talks about self harm i get so jealous and itchy and I want to cut deeper and faster and more and on my arms and legs and stomach and neck and chest I know this is so horrible and they didn’t ask to be envied for their struggles and I feel so bad about it I really am a bad person i have many things I don’t even think I could put to words. I don’t bring any value into the world all I do is fucking take away from it. Everyone would be better off if I was rotting in a ditch somewhere and I know they all want me to shoot myself so they don’t have to deal with my sorry ass. I just feel so calm when i sh too. It’s the most calming thing I’ve ever experienced after the initial shock. I listen to videos when I do too so I’ve Pavlov’ed myself into getting calm when I listen to them. That doesn’t matter at all I’ve just never really thought about it. Never ever cut yourself everybody is judging you I would know. The best thing to do is never start. It damages your nerves and your friends will secretly start to hate you it happens I promise. Im so sorry this is hard to read im pretty sure I’m mentally retarded but I’ve always had that so. Just add it to the pity pile I suppose. Anyone got a pistol i can borrow? I only need one bullet and you can have it back after ;)