TW for a candid discussion of suicidality! NSFW is for the below.

I started compulsively thinking what I would write in a hidden suicide note (not actively suicidal rn, don't worry) on an abandoned reddit account, meant for only one person since I accidentally told her some things that would make her wary if I died in an accident. Even when I was mentally verbalising that I was tired of staying alive only for other people, and that I haven't had any actual plans for the future or similar in years and am only alive to not distress and disappoint those around me, I realised I don't think I'd be able to go through it even if my thoughts did go active. She has been through worse shit than me by a mile, from so many sources, and somehow has the fight of a lion despite everything. I don't want to add my nonsense and death to her list of experienced issues and traumas. It would be shitty and selfish of me, though it would mirror my mental weakness of experiencing a little dose of issues and immediately losing any hope for the future, like a fucking coward and mistake. 

I guess I'm going to be eternally stuck not living but not dead, keeping up the facade of joy and contentment to those who care about me to not distress them, while I have seen myself as nothing but a rotting corpse for years. I need to make peace with that, especially since each year I have fought it it just gets worse.

God, I'm so tired of being like this.