I don’t want to live

This is more of a vent post - I have no one to talk to as i’d most likely be institutionalised or something and honestly I dont think i’d be ready to handle the grief from my parents. Like the title says, I (f20) have contemplated suicide since I was 14/15. Recently, I’ve been thinking about it every day.

I feel like a massive failure and a waste of space. I really don’t know what the fuck I am supposed to be doing with my life anymore and I don’t see the purpose of living. I used to be the ideal/successful child until A-Levels. I was predicted 3 A*s, I applied to top universities but I completely lost all motivation the last year when I had my exams. There was so much pressure to do well from my family and friends, particularly my father. I shut down and fucked up so bad and ended up getting CDD. Consequently, I didn’t get accepted into any of them. I’m at a less prestigious university studying a dead end degree (music), which don’t get me wrong I like studying it but I regret picking it. It’s not a reliable or stable industry at all. The music I make is utter shite and I’m mediocre at my instruments. This further contributes to why I just don’t see a future. Just fucking talentless.

Money has been really tight recently which really helps! I’ve applied to so many jobs and they just keep rejecting me. As a result, the financial strain we are facing has caused my parents to argue every fucking day. There are of course other reasons; there have been two close deaths in the family, things have overall been really tense and stressful. Over the years they’ve both become so incompatible but they can’t do anything about it because financially, it’s impossible. Together they’re both so exhausting to be around - I spend most of my time upstairs in my room because of it.

I feel like I have no freedom, mostly because of my father. He is always on my dick about everything. When I stay at home, he complains that I don’t go out. When I go out he asks so many questions and accuses me of things - my mother and I have Life360, he is always asking to check where I am. His excuse is “I don’t trust other people”. Ever since I was a teenager, my relationship with my father has always been strained - we hold opposing beliefs and he has said some pretty nasty things over the years. He knows that I’ve always struggled with my self esteem/body image and yet he always goes out of his way to make it worse. He is a massive homophobe and considering i’m a lesbian (closeted to him), it does fucking hurt hearing your own father disown your own people. He drinks a lot and becomes verbally aggressive. It is the worst. My mother and I have confronted him on it on several occasions and he just tells us “shut up, it was only two glasses” (it was not two glasses, it was the whole fucking bottle). I honestly think he has undiagnosed depression, he is just always miserable and envious of other people.

Every single social interaction I have makes me want to die. Everything feels forced, almost performative. I have such a hard time making and maintaining friends and I honestly feel alienated. I’m starting to find my friends from high school insufferable. They haven’t done anything wrong, I think i’m just more irritable.

Every day feels like a chore. I hate how desensitised I’ve become, I struggle to genuinely feel. Like I said, everything feels performative. The only reason why I haven’t killed myself yet is because of my mother and this little bastard of a dog she decided to adopt last august. I just would feel really guilty about leaving them both behind.