26M - I feel completely alone and lost. Is life worth living like this?

Hi everyone, I’m 26 years old and graduated last year. I’m working now and financially stable, but emotionally I feel completely empty. Growing up, I was a very passive child who followed whatever my parents told me. I never really developed a strong sense of self or any emotional awareness.

Even though I moved abroad for my undergraduate studies and even spent a semester in Europe as an exchange student, nothing really changed. I’ve always been the quiet, lonely person in the background—never really connecting with anyone, and always dealing with everything on my own.

Right now, I live alone. I don’t have any friends or close connections—literally no one I can talk to. A few months ago, I was choking alone at night, and it hit me: I didn’t have a single person I could call. That moment really stuck with me.

I constantly have suicidal thoughts. I’ve tried every possible way to meet people—through work, school, clubs—but nothing has worked. I’ve even tried changing my personality to fit in, but it never lasts. I just end up back where I started: alone and disconnected.

During undergrad, I was so focused on studying and exams that I didn’t let myself feel this loneliness. I graduated with high honors, but I didn’t feel any pride—just emptiness.

The only reason I’m still alive is because of my mother. She’s been through a lot and isn’t mentally well herself. If anything were to happen to me, I know it would destroy her, and I can’t do that to her. We don’t have a dad and she’s the only real family I have.

But I often ask myself: What’s the point of living if there’s no one to share life with? Without connection, nothing feels meaningful. I haven’t slept properly in almost a year. I go to work after sleepless nights, I’m underweight, I have zero self-esteem, and I’m stuck in a cycle of porn addiction that only makes me feel worse about myself.

I guess what I’m really asking is… Is life worth living like this?