Guilt ??

I'm not sure if this is normal or not, but since Dday I've been having a lotttt of flashbacks of what has happened. I'm ✨ mentally ill✨ so I ruminate. Constantly. It's almost like it's all I can think about. It makes me feel physically sick to my stomach, and I am not at all joking when I say that this shit pops into my brain every few minutes and it has been for months. I don't want to think about it, but I can't fucking stop. I'm trying so hard to distract myself but it doesn't work because it doesn't matter what I do, it still happens. Even when I'm not thinking about it, I'm thinking about it and it's killing me.

(Yes I'm in therapy, I'm going to leave him, I'm working on it lol.)

Now, the guilt thing. When I think about all of the things he's done to me and who he's turned me into, I hate him. I feel so fucking guilty whenever these thoughts come up. I love him so much, but he has absolutely destroyed me and I hate him for it. Sometimes it knocks the wind out of me, the pain and sadness floats around in the back of my mind all day long and it feels like it's ripping my heart out every few minutes and I don't know how to cope with this shit. I genuinely don't.

I can honestly say that I've never actually hated anyone, except for my stepdad but that's a story for a different day. I'm pretty sure it's in my post or comment history though, I just don't have the energy to relive that right now when I'm already stuck struggling with this. I don't want to hate him at all but I cannot describe the fucking anger I feel towards him. Sometimes when I'm laying in bed at night, I'll try to fall asleep but I can't shut my mind off. Those thoughts creep in and all I wanna do is push him out of my bed. I'm not a violent person, I never have been, and I never will be, but the intrusive thoughts I've been having here lately are crazy.

Has anyone else felt like this ? I don't know if I'm crazy or if it's normal after deep betrayal. I can't describe what I feel right now and I'm so lost and confused all the time. I really don't like what this has done to me. Thank you for reading if you made it this far <3