Pushed away the first girl that treated me right (19M 18F)

Me & my girlfriend dated for almost 5 months and things ended just this past weekend.

Before that, we were talking for about a year and she wanted to date but I wasn’t ready for a relationship. We were “exclusive” for a while too and I made lies and mistakes that carried over into our relationship. I was too ashamed to admit some things but eventually came clean about everything a couple months into dating.

In December, I went out on a limb and started dating her. This girl became the love of my life. However, my first girlfriend (a year before this one) was pretty toxic and I carried a lot of issues from that relationship over (namely distrust and fear of abandonment). While I trusted her and she never did anything to suggest otherwise—I would always get upset about little things I got in my head about that didn’t matter (responding, where she’s going, etc) since I was afraid of losing her. She would pull back since she’s avoidant, and then I would interpret that as abandonment and spiral.

She talked to me about it and I was working on it, but one night last week I lost my cool and got upset at her over her snap map glitching out. She said to call in the morning but I was drunk and worried so I called her 107 times. That didn’t go over well and she broke up with me via phone call the day after. She said she needed time and that this wasn’t healthy for her. I told her I wanted it to be us and I’d use this time to fix things I should’ve gotten to a long time ago.

The night after she broke up with me, I got a couple calls late at night from her asking to talk since she’s having a hard time, and she turns her snap map back on and our post back up too. I didn’t reach her until the following day, when she took everything down again. I talked about what I need to work on and our relationship—she seemed kind of reserved but also emotional. I let her know I wanted to start over and do things right and asked her if she sees us together in the future. She said “I don’t know”, and that she wanted to see me improve. Then she said next week (when we’re both home) would be too early to talk things out.

How do I play this, when do I reach out, and am i cooked? 😵‍💫

TLDR - fucked myself by letting my fear of abandonment push away the love of my life