Going insane

Such a long story…very long I’ll try to just summarize So for almost a year, I’ve had a crush on my coworker I didn’t like him immediately but the more we worked, I slowly did? Everyone at work could see I liked him, teased me and teased him He would buy me drinks or if I came to eat at our job, he’d pay for my drink and recently paid for my dessert

He would watch any movie recs I gave him, he would listen to my favorite band just because I mentioned it once to him and he joked about getting me their vinyl for my birthday (this was last year around august?) and recently in february i think? he mentioned my birthday and remembered the vinyl, asking if I wanted it for my birthday And again more recently, he asked what I wanted for my birthday and he told me he knew I wanted a record player and was thinking of getting me one

I’m unsure if he feels the same, but when we talk it’s fun and natural and I find comfort in it He recently was vulnerable with me about his dating preferences without me even asking really, I felt maybe these are good signs?

It’s just a lot of pain is in my heart too. When we all went out drinking one day, and I stupidly drunkenly grabbed his arm wanting to just loop ours together but he like hurriedly removed his arm and walked faster away from me We never brought it up afterwards And recently now, I mentioned wanting to see a movie and he then mentioned the movie again. So I felt brave and asked if he wanted to see it with me. He had agreed but later on in the night, he changed his mind to maybe, depends on how I feel

It hurt me and then I learned he’s going to an event for a coworker of ours along with some other coworkers, I was invited too With her, it’s like I feel a pang of jealousy of how easy they hit it off, but she tells me how she only sees him as a brother and i know she has a boyfriend I don’t know, it just overall hit me hard because he refused me

Anyway, today is my birthday and I just feel a wave of sadness in what to do or how to feel

There is a lot too in between but this would be so long if I did Like he would walk me to the train with me and carry my umbrella etc etc