How do you know you enjoy it? Nervous boners?

Has anyone ever had unwanted boners after forcing imaginary scenarios to see if you are one but then got completely crushed by the anxiety and horror? Like how do you know you dont like those scenarios if youre getting boners? Honestly I feel like my body is raping me. I dunno what the difference is between anxiety/fear/horror and the nervous feeling you get when you like a person. Like even if I get nervous beign close to a person I like makes me feel nice and listening to them, but when I have the displeasure pf being close to girls or having one in sight I just feel like I'll implode and my groin starts feeling really bad, pelvic floor and penis in particular. I also get bad bowels due to the anxiety. And the scenarios are involuntary sometimes like I dont even will them into being. I dunno if theyre fantasies I repress or intrusive thoughts, I dunno if check and check because I enjoy it or because Im very scared or if Ive ended up enjoying them and hence the boners. Sometimes I think violent things so that I just dont have to go through this its tiring