Red hot chilli paper

(Warning this..does include some heavy subjects and some messed up shit..and also English is not my first language so this will probably be full of mistakes)

Hi.. I've been pretty confused about life. Since i was born, i guess I've recently turned 18 recently about 4 months ago, and i dont get it To explain what exactly i dont get about life is that i dont hate it im often quite happy, i dont hate myself i mean..i have some really good qualities about me that ive come to rescpect and adore But.. ever since little, the only thing i have done is being depressed and hating and well self harming as a little kid around 8. That was the first time i tried to kill myself and end i all choking myself.. It all started when my grandma raped me. i was pretty young, but i still remember how she kissed me on the lips, touched me inappropriately on my penis and just one image of her naked body on top of mine ive properly blacked out most of the memories because frankly if i try to remember any im sure i will end it all My mom married pretty young, so at the start, she was a pretty abusive mom. She used to hit me a lot, scream a lot at me, and lash out at me. Keep in mind that at that time, she was around her early 20s. She married around 19 with to my 27 smth dad.. She has gotten really better turning her situation around and becoming an amazing mother, witch. im thankful to god that it happened if god even exists At an early age, I've never had any friends. Only bullies People at my class they bullied me for ho knows what The way i looked, the way I talked, acted, and even how tall i was, I was a kid. Yes, they made problems about my height they hated me that much and saw me that much as a freak of nature, that they gladly picked apart everything and made fun of it My parents were never home.. Always worked because since young we were poor, extremely poor The type of poor that you will worry about if you can eat the next day or not This still hasnt changed into this day But..it got me into art because i used to watch cartoons on the tv Looking back at it, there were my only friends at that age And..they comferted me They made me wish even as a kid to be there for kids just my age, lost and confused So i started drawing, imagining that i was a famous producer.. or an artist.. Animator being able to help all of those kids in need So i developed really good art skills and got into a good art school, and that's when my problems begin I had no friends there leaving behind the 2 i had in the last school that i developed magically through 7 years We also had to change cities due to my grandma abusing my mother and threatening to sue us if we didn't leave the house So i moved to the city, leaving behind 1 friend that i made in the village I was 13, so lonlines began I found a friend..a girl friend and i blame myself mostly for our situation She was somewhat abusive and emotionally mamupulative. We got into fights almost every day it was a pretty toxic mess that made me hate myself, and i really didn't talk to a girl accept my cousin until 8th grade because all the girls in my class stayed away from me prefering to bully me mentally rather than to talk to me like a normal person.. I know how creepy this will sound, but one time, a girl from the class called me with a pet name on an accident, and it made me the happiest person alive.. So..i was pretty confused about everything when talking to her and couldn't handle it.. But it didn't change the fact that the friendship was very messy toxic and abusive on both parties But that toxcitie and abusiveness made me hate myself even more and fueled my depression I cutted myself, beat myself in the face because i hated it so much, and multiple suicide attempts stopped only by the crying of my mother I've had a pretty complacaited deal with relationships I had 3 two of them online, and all of then chaotic really fucking chaotic because i ended up growing up in the shit hole of my chaos that was my life so i become itself.. Ive..been pretty hard to deal with in relationships My self distructive path ruining everyone of them Lots of fighting, be drunkingly wasted even tho i hate alcohol because set fight happened me punching myself because i just felt like it Ive had struggles with sleeping as well..sleeping around 2-4 hours at night..going to school and just existing there i guess I dont know from where this unablility of not being able to sleep comes I guess my philosophy on life is that i should just let go..and ive had let go of most things in my life accept thoss first 8 years..they broke my forever and 10 years later i just cant deal with the past child in me They will forver tourcher me i was pretty dependent on peoples opinion i wanted them to like me and to be loved by them but i lost all hop not only for that but in life in general witch Ironically enough brought me the happiness this..and the punk culture im in right now..next mounth at june 10th im going to a black flag concert and im really exited.. I did start to not give a shit about anyone and anything anymore and just made my life how i wanted my life to be made I have good friends and good family and somewhat properuse life But i dont feel like it makes me happy I dont feel like i wanted it I dont feel like i need it I dont feel like existing in it Im writting this because today I grabbed glass from a mirror i broke earlier And cutted my stomach But i didn't felt any pain nor any relief What i felt was annoyance at first And now emptiness.. So..im really up for advice on how to continue foward What to think for myself and for the future And what to do in the meantime, i will, i guess, go and get a bottle of alcohol dosent matther what I just wanna forget about what i did 30 mins ago to myself Im really thankful you read it all, tho...