AITA for not apologizing to a list of grievances sent from my SIL?

My fiancé and I are in our early 30s, while my brother and SIL are in their 40s. My SIL “Jean” has never been a pleasant person to be around; most conversations revolve around her gossiping about another person or being a victim in whatever situation she has been in that week. Many of her negative comments are about my extended family, including my mother (who is providing free child care for my SIL’s children). In the last few months, she went through a difficult pregnancy (kid #2)  and her family member was diagnosed with a terminal illness. When we visited my brother he requested we not mention the terminal diagnosis because the SIL “will likely break down and cry”. We decided to not bring it up unless she brought it up, which only happened on our last visit. 

  A few weeks ago my fiancé (gf at the time) and I were on a trip where I was going to ask her to marry me. The whole family, including SIL was aware of my plans. Just before we left I got a frantic phone call from my brother saying his wife was crazy and was going to send a mean message to me and my GF. He stated his wife was “crazy” and “she needs a whipping boy, and that's you right now”. She texted:

Hi OP and GF, I’ve been feeling frustrated with our interactions, and after discussing this with your brother, I wanted to reach out to share my honest feelings. I’m sorry if this is a hard message to read, but it reflects my perspective and experiences. I often feel that your actions show little concern or care for others, which has been hurtful. While I’m sure you’d like examples, I’ll share a few instances: 1 Kid 2’s Baptism: It was a special day, and as gf was leaving, she said goodbye and thanked your brother but completely ignored me despite me standing right next to him, even though I planned and hosted the entire event. 2 OP as Godfather: At Kid 1s  baptism in 2021, OP, your disengagement throughout the day was noticeable and hurtful. In every photo, you appeared indifferent, and you left early without staying for cake. As a godfather, I had hoped for more enthusiasm and involvement. While you’ve apologized for this, it’s still a significant example of the behavior that has left me feeling unsupported. Additionally, GF  you had never said sorry for not attending last minute. 3 Family diagnosis: I’ve struggled with the lack of acknowledgment from you regarding my the diagnosis. When I brought it up, gf responded by discussing care at the facility instead of expressing empathy. Other family members have offered support, prayers, and gestures of kindness, and I was simply hoping for some acknowledgment from you. 4 Kid 1s Birth: When you visited, I felt unsupported as a new mom. and dismissing my request for quiet were particularly upsetting. 5 SIL’s Birthday in 2022: Despite initially saying you wouldn’t attend, you both came to the gathering empty-handed. GF  didn’t wish me a happy birthday, and I was shocked when I saw my birthday cake already cut and served before we could even sing. 6 Baby Sprinkle: You didn’t RSVP and OP immediately claimed not to have received the invite, even though it was sent. While forgetting happens, it felt like another example of a lack of accountability. 7 Holiday Gatherings: In general, at holiday gatherings, you’ve often not offered to bring anything and have seemed disengaged throughout the events. However, I want to acknowledge that more recently, there have been some efforts to be more thoughtful, such as bringing items to share, which I do appreciate. There have been other instances over the years, but these illustrate my frustrations. I’m not looking for a response but would appreciate reflection and action moving forward. We may not have a close relationship, but as family, I hope we can find a better way forward. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

While there is nothing unfactual about these grievances, it still felt more like an attack on our character than an attempt to share her feelings. Some background on 1st baptism: My gf and I got into such a big fight the night before we thought we broke up. I showed up sad and she stayed home crying. Since then we have worked a lot on our communication and have been in couples counseling. The fight started with an argument about my SIL. I felt that SIL was emotionally abusive to my brother, and when my brother requested couples therapy, she refused (I still feel that's a big red flag). 

Our response was:

Hi SIL. I’m sorry if you have felt disrespected or not supported in the past three years. That, of course, is never our intention as we interact with our friends and family. No relationship is ever perfect, and we decide to focus on the positive aspects of family events instead of dwelling on past events. Holding onto animosity doesn’t serve us well. We acknowledge how much you and your family are going through at this time. We appreciate you sharing your grievances, and we would like to talk more in person with you.

At this point, my brother called me to say that the only thing that would likely satisfy SIL is if we  “grovel and apologize for everything”. Brother would just like us to move forward and forget about all of this. 

SIL response

While I agree that focusing on the positive is often best, I believe that accountability and reflection on more difficult interactions are essential for sustaining meaningful relationships. This is what has brought us to this point. My intent in sharing how I’ve been feeling lately is to help us move forward, not to hold onto animosity. If I didn’t take the time to express my feelings and offer the chance for a discussion, I’d be doing all of us a disservice. This isn’t about dwelling on negativity but about addressing issues so we can move forward with mutual respect. I could have chosen to remain silent, distance myself, or exclude you from events, but instead, I chose to confront the challenges directly because I value our relationship. I will say that if the roles were reversed and your family member was given six months to live, I would feel deeply ashamed if I let three months pass without acknowledging your pain. Instead of an excuse, I’d hope for an apology in that situation. I did lead the way in discussing the diagnosis, and my response was about the facility. I also want to address the baptism. I’ve made it a point to invite you both to important events because I don’t believe in exclusivity, but when I’m openly snubbed at such a special occasion—something that others at the table even commented on—it’s deeply hurtful. I’m unsure how that can be excused, but I’m open to discussing it further. My goal in writing to you was to improve our relationship and create a path forward. I don’t like feeling upset or uncomfortable around my own family, and I’m hopeful that we can work through this together. At some point let's talk further. SIL

After these messages, we don’t feel like SIL is acting in good faith. It sounds more like she wants to tell us everything we have done wrong, hurl insults with the expectation we apologize. I talked to a couple of family members and was told she had been complaining about us for years, and has been particularly vicious towards my fiance. We do not believe SIL possesses the skills to have a productive conversation that does not end up in our character being demeaned. My fiance refused to have that conversation, while I was willing even though the chances it going well are slim. 

Our response: Fiance will not be joining us for the conversation. Frankly, I don’t think her treatment by you has been fair. 

Let me know when and where you would prefer to have a conversation.

Her response: Hi,

You may feel that I have not always been kind to Fiance, and to some extent, that is true. I have unresolved issues—issues I’ve outlined above—that haven’t been addressed and have been festering. It’s fair to say, based on these examples, that I, too, have not always been met with kindness.

However, I don’t see how we can move forward with resolving this conflict if Fiance isn’t willing to engage in the conversation. In fact, her refusal to participate only reinforces the concerns I’ve previously raised. Without her involvement, I don’t see the point in meeting. We won’t achieve what we need to, and I won’t waste your time. Frankly, as a working mother of two, while also caring for a dying family member, time is something I don’t have to spare. We can have this conversation when everyone is ready. Until then, if I see you at a mutual event, you can expect me to behave appropriately, with no drama. However, I don’t foresee much of a relationship between us until this matter is resolved.

Lastly, just a thought: The longer you allow distance and space to grow, the more it becomes a comfortable habit. Sometimes, the only way forward is to look in the mirror and meet people halfway. Life is short. You blink and it’s all over.

After the final text, my brother called me to say that all our responses were “hostile and insincere”. He accused us of saying “I am sorry you feel that way”, which is not a real apology. I was confused and asked him if he read the messages. He says he hasn’t read them, but this is what SIL has taken from our responses. 

At this point, I don’t know what to do. Did we sound insincere with our responses? Since then, the SIL has read through all my brother’s texts and is quite annoyed with his opinion on the matter.