I miss my fp

We have been friends for 7 and a half years and I love him so much but we're no longer friends because I ended our friendship because I know he's back for my mental health and I told him that but I want him so bad

I sent him a follow request on insta and he accepted it up to 5 days later but didn't follow me back. Follow back or not, it was exactly what I wanted: quiet closure. But that's not all I want anymore and he's also got terrible mental health and I ended our friendship because we had an argument when I told him I think he has BPD too so I know how bad it would be if I added him on snapchat or sent him an insta dm but I need him so bad. I keep dreaming about him and I'm back to one meal a day after having breakfast and two meals for long. I was doing so well but I need him in my life, however insignificant, just not this insignificantly. When I ended our friendship the last thing he said was "You're still my friend." Am I still your friend? Do you still want me? I know you reached out up to 4 times and the last time you did, I blocked you, but it only took me less than a week to get over it.

I want you out of my life but I need you so bad please come back I can't bear it I love you so much