Bpd addiction vent

I come here because it’s the only place to kinda talk and get feedback on my relationship , Iv (m32)been dealing with a borderline personality disorder having girlfriend(f29) ,went on the first date with her august 2022 and well it’s 2025 now and realized how unhealthy things are . It’s been a series of push and pull episodes everytime it genuinely feels like itl be the last time we ever talk and to my surprise it’s not . Before I used to beg her not to leave , or I’d show up to her house and that would work on getting her back , we’d have sex the same day and make up but throughout time I started to see the pattern and just started to learn to not chase , my first attempt lasted a whole record week without talking before she contacted me that she wanted her markers back , that same day we hooked up and just like that back to having a great time together,this causes me to feel so great about life , I feel the happiest and then she becomes distant I can almost already tell pull back is coming so I try to not trigger it but this time even after walking on eggshells the text that she dosnt think we are the beast choice for eachother long term and how it’s been long enough comes . This time I feel like I know more so I don’t react and say just say , “fair enough sorry we didn’t work out best reguards “ I’m still on my high horse because she cuts me off cold turkey , that same night after text I go to sleep , I have a dream about her and happen to wake up at 3 am and see a missed call from her 30 mins ago , I call back and she answers and says she wanted to come over to hook up and since I just finished having a dream about her it just felt like it be cool to have her over , so she came over we had sex and I felt happy in her company ,I wasn’t kissing her for the things she said but before she left she chose to kiss me , she left on a good note we had a good friendly day , went to sleep and that day I didn’t hear anything from her then yesterday I didn’t hear anything’s I know it’s only been two days and I didn’t imagine it be this hard ,it triggers anxiety in me , even while visiting my mom she asked what’s wrong with you since she noticed I was struggling to breathe , I said oh they are anxiety symptoms,apparently they get triggered when I feel like this .in this state it’s hard to feel happy . Idk what’s next , I honestly don’t know if the pattern will ever stop or if I can stop it because I know now that I want her to come back ,I want her to sort her self out and come back so we can start being together again and go to six flags and hikes and so I can have a best friend again . It’s hard to pretend I don’t care but all this anxiety over the unknown feels bad ,regardless I won’t contact her until she contacts me first