you know what guys, this shit is just so lonely

title says it all. trying to get support for everything at the moment, particularly the suicidal stuff. i haven't been able to talk about it openly with anyone in my life, i've been shit-scared about talking about it because i've noticed when you really let someone in, it never goes the way you want it to.

only managed to tell one friend in my life about how bad it was getting and later they said to me that they've had a few of their friends reach out to them about being in similar situations and how they're not sure how to respond to it. that they just feel distant. i guess i was heartbroken but didn't know how to say it, i told them how badly i was doing because i just thought they'd really have my back but i don't know, it kinda crushed me. we both do political organising work together and i don't know why i thought doing that would mean that people would get me in that way. for the record, it's a lot and i get that not everyone can share that with you so it's ok.

i guess i'm just really alone. i feel like i'm really stuck in the depths of this and i don't know how to climb out. i know that i really only have myself to count on through this and to make sense of it all. but its hard and sometimes the labour of trying to climb out and fight for yourself and your life is just too much. its crushing really. i feel so utterly alone. and i hate myself for being here, for feeling so incapable of getting myself out of these waters and participating in my life. i also never thought i'd be in this place again but here we are.

it's so weird. you find yourself out there committing to things not knowing if you can see it through. you compose and contort yourself in ways so that you're not othered when you face other people even when those people are some of your good good friends. you go minutes, hours, days in each other's company but still so alone in the weight of your own circumstances and suffering.

i feel so alone in the complexities of it all. i wish i wasn't so alone. i so badly want to be understood ans seen in my entirety.

anyway, i wrote this not so much for advice because advice encapsulates a lot of things but more for the purpose of venting and support - and for people to just share how they're doing and also the little things that are holding you through just to make things a little less lonely for all of us.