For men who had emotionally enmeshed/incestuous relationships with their mothers, what advice do you recommend for a romantic partner involved in this dynamic?

This is a throwaway account for obvious reasons. I began dating my boyfriend and things were going really great. I’ve only learned this month that he is completely financially dependent on his mother (we are late 20s) — she paid for all of our dates, hotel excursions, road trips, and basically everything we’ve ever done together. I thought this was his own money and his own income. I learned this because one night we decided to get pizza at midnight and his mom called him the next day asking him what it is that I’ve been cooking for him recently as we live together he began to list off the meals that I cooked, and I wondered why she called asking him that question before I put two and two together that she probably had access to his bank statement. I’d recently asked him about this as we’ve discussed, making purchases together, and he assured me that his bank account was in his own name as I already had some suspicions that his mom was funding his lifestyle (in reality: our lifestyle, which I am extremely uncomfortable with).

This is combined with other things that have occurred in the relationship like her telling him she doesn’t like that I have tattoos, and her mentioning that he should only be with someone who loves her the way she loved his father. Mind you, she was his father‘s mistress for a few decades, and she really doesn’t know what it’s like to have an actual relationship as she’s never had one. She’s made her son completely dependent on her and she gets upset whenever she loses a bit of control.

For example, on his birthday, she asked him and signed him up to go to a career fair knowing that we had plans. He said that he needed to go as he’s financially dependent on her. She completely care takes for him and there’s little things. He doesn’t know how to do like basic hygiene, cleaning up after himself, etc. I have to ask him several times. He will just lay around on his phone looking at video streams or video games.

As the relationship has gone on, there have been some issues that have come up like me realizing he probably has a corn addiction and may be emotionally cheating as he’s never followed me on socials citing he doesn’t use them but I’ve seen instagram notifications coming up recently. Sometimes we are showering together & he calls her from in the shower. I’ve voiced to him that I find it strange, but he says it’s fine.

He claims he has open trust with his mom but smokes weed secretly. She caught on and began taking him every two weeks to get tested to which he lied to her and said it came out positive because of the neighbors smoking. I told him certainly she knows he’s lying, etc. but he said no.

His manipulation and behavior makes me feel like I can’t trust him, and I am wanting to end the relationship. I really don’t think there’s any hope & I have talked to him several times about it, but he won’t leave this dynamic with his mom and seek independence. I’m living in a spare house that my mother owns at the moment as I have fallen on hard times, and I let him know explicitly before moving in that I did not want his mother involved in our life. When he failed the drug test, she told him to move back home with her for two weeks and he agreed. I told him just to take his things and leave because that’s weird and childish, and he refused to leave and ended up staying.

It makes me sad for him as I know this likely will be an issue moving forward in his life.

I guess I’m looking for either hope or just advice on how to end things smoothly in a way that doesn’t cause her to show up at our place demanding I stay with him as she’s told me previously that she’s scared I would. She basically cornered me in the kitchen and told me that I can’t leave him because he loves me and that I need to wait for him to get his life together.

I just feel I’m in some type of polyamorous relationship where she’s always insisting on control and inserting herself but he can’t see it and doesn’t want to. I really don’t know how to maneuver this and I’ve tried my best, but I’m just wondering if there are any men you’ve been through this and what wording you would use to either continue the relationship or end it based on your healing experience.

There’s a lot more that I can share, but I don’t want to because I want to maintain some sense of dignity.