Boyfriend of 12 years, how do I leave my Q?

Hello,

I stumbled upon this sub a couple of months ago while searching for forums for months. This might be long, sorry in advance.

First off, I have been with Q for 12 years, engaged for 10. (me 33 F, Q 37 M) We never got married because I would lose my health insurance with their income, I have a chronic illness and need my medication to survive.

I did not know the drinking was bad until about 3 years in when he didn't show up to work because he was drunk at home. I learned then he had a DUI at 18 and had totaled his car. He would drink our roommates booze and just stand there and stare blankly when accused. Over the years, he promised to stop but wouldn't. When I've caught him red handed and held the bottle to his face, he'd say he's not drunk, and just stare at me with no response. And when I finally get a response, he says things like 'it's not like I beat you, or harm you, or abuse you'

At the end of 2023 I got called by the police because he was drunk and passed out at work. I was so upset and almost asked them to put him in jail overnight, but brought him home. In April 2024, he went to go see a movie, and wasn't home at a reasonable time (I kept an eye on the movie time) and I had an awful gut feeling. He came home covered in blood. I thought he had crashed the car, but when I went to check, it was fine. My guess was he had fallen down the stairs outside of our apartment, as I had found blood stains on the concrete at the bottom, and there is still blood on the side of the building. He doesn't remember what he did.

The ride to the hospital I thought had been a wake up call. He kept saying he f*kd up, while crying. He had sliced a piece of his scalp so bad that it was curling up on the back of his head. He had to get at least 13 stitches. I took him home, we had a long talk the next day after I washed his blood out of my car and out of the bathroom. He would go to some form of AA and seek therapy. I was the one who had to see the wound every day, the one who had to clean it, put ointment on it and bandage his head. He refused to look at it for about two weeks.

I told him if he did this again, if he f*ks up and drinks again, I'm leaving. I have my own issues and life to work out.

I started seeing a therapist too.

A year later, and he's been sober. It was a rough year. He doesn't sleep well. I decided to go back to school to get my life on track. There were moments where I couldn't tell if he was drinking or not, because sometimes when he's exhausted, it's similar to when he's drunk. Sometimes his sweat smelled fruity and sweet, which I thought might be a sign of diabetes, but in hindsight, it was probably alcohol. He stopped going to the AA meetings, siting they weren't helping. He stopped seeing the therapist because they don't 'get it' (that is his usual excuse with every therapist) He stopped taking care of himself. He doesn't initiate any intimacy with me at all. We fight all the time because he's working extra hours to support me, but he doesn't clean up after himself, and I still get paranoid and think he's drinking because of the smells and behaviors. He tells me I need to cut him some slack because he's going through a lot.

This past weekend, we were going to go to dinner and a movie. He worked an 11 hour shift. When I came home, I asked if he could drive because it took me an hour to get home and he said yes. (keep that answer in mind) I then noticed how he was standing, his shirt was on weird, and he looked a little dazed. I figured he was exhausted, hoped it wasn't the other, so I suggested we reschedule. He was relieved and went to change into pajamas.

In the bedroom I found a cup. It was nearly empty, but had some liquid in the bottom. I smelled it. Vodka. I even took a sip to make sure... yea, vodka. I asked him if he'd been drinking again, denied it. Denied, denied, denied, until I told him I could taste it. He just stared blankly at me, like in the past. It wasn't until I said he was going to DRIVE ME INEBRIATED did he finally come out of his slump and said he relapsed.

It was the same excuses: work, past trauma (which I am not dismissing) with his parents and sibling, his overall health... I slept on the couch because I was so upset. The next day I went to work and asked if he reached out to anyone when I got home. I have a past coworker who has been sober for nearly 20 years, and gave him their number with their permission.

He did nothing. I went for a walk and talked to some people. Yesterday, he finally went to an AA meeting again and says he has an appointment with this therapist at the end of the month because they're out of town. I have barely talked to him.

I am devastated. I love him so much. He's not violent, he's never abused me when drinking. He gets kind of mean when drunk and makes fun of me which upsets me. He makes all the bad decisions when drunk, like driving. He's supporting me while I'm in school. He's learned how to handle my health issues. But I can't do this anymore. I lived with two alcoholics before him, and I don't want to be around that. I am torn. I have a plan, but I don't know if I can go through with it.

I wanted some advice. My gut is telling me to leave, that it will be hard for a while, but will get better. But I have been crying on and off for the last couple of days because I love him. All I want is for him to be happy and healthy. But I don't want to feel this way either.