This is literally just me venting bcs im to scared to Physically write it down

Okay I am 18 years old , and throughout my life I wasn't the most girly or feminine , it was never because i never wanted to because truly i did i wanted to wear skirts and dress, and have the give me those kiddie make up kits, but I was Insecure in myself, my body, and flesh, but outworldly I never made it seem like i was interested in any of it bcs i was scared of being judged by friends , family and society. And now that I'm older some times I wanna start doing that kinda stuff but when ever I do my mom always has something to say but she says it in an jokely insulting voice and manner.

Just last year when I was 17 , she had a pack of Burt's bees shimmer lip chap and I took one and put it on she said I looked like a whore, I knew she was joking but It really hurt. Another time was when I told her that when I turn 18 I wanted to try wearing make up she told me She " doesn't like make up" and When she said that I really wanted to tell her I genuinely didn't care weather or not she liked it because I wasn't doing it for her or she wasn't going to be the one wearing it. And I know some of yall may read or see this and think " well maybe she was saying it because she wants you to accept how you naturally look or she thinks you dont need make up or something" but you don't know my mother like I do when she says stuff to us about how she doesn't like something she thinks everyone is supposed to bend to her will and change their answers and view on the subject, plus when she said it I told her its okay she doesn't Im not planning on wearing make up everyday or wearing a full beat (i have worn a full face of make for prom and other stuff and I dont really like the feel of it) she looked me in the eyes and said " I still don't like it"

I thought to myself since she says she doesn't like make why not focus on lipstick , i bought myself a matte colored lipstick to do try and make a combo with other clear and red lipstick I already had. when i was putting it on she came into my room,looked at me and said out of no where "you think you cute" and told her yeah I really liked the look of the combo she just left out the room. another time when i came home from school i for got to rub my lipstick off before coming home(I wont get in trouble i just dont want to here her comments if she says any) It was some brown or black(cant remember) lip liner, red lipstick with clear gloss she said again that I looked like a whore.

my eighteenth birthday she bought my a pack of clear lipsticks and said "since I call myself trying to wear lipstick" Whenever I try to put any effort into my outfits for school (i usually dont) she always say you that I dont look cute or that I'm ugly or who im trying to impress. it feels like I can't make the decide to change something about myself without her making a comment and I know with me saying she said I look like a whore may make is sound like shes a bad mother but she's really not, she has never hit me , and when every we were struggling for food she always made she we ate first or we at least had something plus all the comments said Is usually said in a jokely manner and meant as a joke they just really hurt my feels and I wanted to get them off my chest somewhere that she won't know.

PS. My mother does genuinely compliment me and tell me that I'm beautiful or pretty these where just a few time where she said same hurtful stuff when i struggling with myself inwardly and it just stuck with me and I needed a place to just let it out without her finding out.