Got Into Northwestern, Afraid of whats next

I got into NU during the ED round with a full ride, (specifically QB). I’ve been lurking for a while and I fear the prestige mind virus has gotten to me.

I’m so, so happy I got in with a full ride especially as a low income student!! But I can’t help but feel less than, and I guess less worthy because I didn’t get into an Ivy or Ivy+ (Duke and Stanford). Compared to how my teachers react to kids who got into Vandy, Duke, Harvard etc. It just feels like I didn’t try hard enough. It might also be because my grandfather wanted me in an Ivy league (Harvard) and it wasn’t even an option when I applied QB. I feel like a failure. On the other hand it feels like a stroke of luck I got in, and I was at the bottom of their admit pile that got admitted by mistake. Or like I was just an admit that didn’t try hard enough but they needed a quota. (I only had one award nationally maybe two if you squint. It feels like nothing next to ISF winners and science fair finalists) Objectively I know it’s good and fine. I just feel like I didn’t try hard enough. Or like the accomplishment wasn’t that hard because I managed to do it.

Not to mention because I’m low income I don’t know how the resources at top schools differ. I can’t tell if because I’m at NU, I’ll be screwed for jobs and such (i’m doing a STEM major) vs if I went to Duke or JHU. I heard that at other top schools these opportunities are freely available and immensely helpful both here and abroad, but I haven’t heard much concerning NU. I think that’s what scares me most of all, especially as someone who wants to work abroad.

I see some people saying NU does just as well as Duke and they’re peer schools while I see others, and social media accounts saying otherwise. It doesn’t help my socials are full of HYPSM and Ivy admits.

Objectively this is a stupid thing to be concerned about. NU is a good school, that’s clear. I got into a T10 (or wtv the fuck a high rank is) I think it’s the combination of my school being hella competitive and constantly seeing people online say NU is a shit school or not mentioning it at all. My friends also all used to say they know I could get into an Ivy if I tried and I feel like I failed them and my parents.

I wanted to work hard enough so my parents and grandparents could brag and be happy about my acceptance, especially since my dad applied to Stanford and didn’t get in. I wanted to both do better and yk be the eldest daughter they can be proud of. It doesn’t help I used to get compared to kids who got into college at like 12 (I skipped a grade, not 5 grades.)

It feels like one of those things where its ‘yeah you’re smart but you aren’t the best and in that case are you even intelligent at all?’

Then it becomes a question of what to do when I get there. I’ve seen the girls there, all of them are so pretty and I can’t help but think I won’t fit in. If I don’t have a 4.0 I won’t get into the medical school I want (Yale. I also know most likely other things matter as well!), and you know what fucking sucks most of all??

I’ve has anxiety about college and school since 2nd grade to the point of me having panic attacks at the thought of not getting into Harvard or even thinking about another profession than lawyer or doctor (I tweaked when I was 10-11 because I wanted to be a doctor instead of a lawyer and thought I wasted my time). I didn’t even know Princeton and the rest existed really until I started applying to college. I stressed throughout elementary, middle and highschool. I don’t fucking know if I can take stressing more in university for what?? A career where I’m just going to be yelled at and abused while trying to help people??

It feels like no matter how good I am it doesn’t matter, someone will always be better than me and something inside of me cannot stand the notion. No matter how good I am, if I managed to do it, it wasn’t hard. I didn’t even think I’d get the QB scholarship, I did all my essays at 3 in the morning and took a shot at the wall. I had no help, no guidance and I can’t help but feel it’ll only get worse.