birthdays

how do you deal with your own birthdays? their birthdays are hard, i know. i haven’t experienced theirs yet & i’m afraid to.

however today is my birthday (the 9th) and i just got done crying with my mother about him. he’s my stepdad and the most selfless person i know. it is so unimaginably difficult to fathom that i will be a new age that he hasn’t seen yet. he will never see me at this age. i was so excited. i’m 18 so this is going to be a big one to begin with, you could imagine the ideas & plans. i cannot fathom the fact that he is not here with us. he was one of the most excited people in my life to watch me grow. he made me just as excited to see myself grow after going through the worst mentally debilitating experiences. i was not expecting to be this upset. i knew i would cry and have very many moments of sadness & grief, but i’m just full of grief. i’m full of sadness, numbness, anger, pain, emotions that aren’t even emotions yet. i’m feeling all of them, unexpectedly.

because of this, i’m now just hating the idea of growing up. i don’t even want to celebrate (the “party” is nothing, just at home dinner with my family that i see every day, no cards, no gifts). i don’t want anyone to acknowledge my age. the concept of birthdays is okay for me, it’s just the part of getting older. i would be slightly better if the entire day didn’t consist solely of me aging and that 17, the last he’s known me as, will turn into 18.

i don’t want to get out of bed in the morning, i don’t want to see anyone or have anyone in my phone trying to contact me. because truly, it’s not my day, especially not my special day. i don’t want a day to be all about me. i don’t want anyone to acknowledge me because i’m supposed to be happy or thankful, and i am so, so far from that.