I need Jesus, but push God away

I’ll try to keep it short. I went to an Orthodox Church after being atheist my whole life for about 5 months or so last year. I stopped bc I wasn’t sure I believed everything, I had qualms with the OT and my faith was weak. Because of this, I felt self concious and that I was disrespecting God, the church and the priest who worked there by going. I didn’t want to be a wolf in sheep’s clothing. As I had a lot of issues. Though I believe every moral truth Jesus says, literally every one, I believe as true and real.

I triumphed over a lot of these issues in the last 7-8months since I left the church. The big one for me was tobacco/nicotine addiction. Something I struggled with since I was 16, now I’m 24. I never thought it was possible to quit. I’m very grateful. Though my faith is weak, I try my best to thank God, I just know I wasn’t alone in that battle.

The funny thing is, substance addiction was far easier than my lust and gluttony. It seems that the passions that directly relate to the soul, at least ones that aren’t once removed via a substance is 100x harder to let go of. I find this odd, but also a great testament to what Christ teaches.

I suppose what I’m asking is, I want to go back to church, not because I want to get healed and then run off, bc I know I need Christ in my life for the rest of my life. Otherwise I worry greatly about my health. I’m so embarrassed to go back to church…what would I say to the priest. I just left and never came back. I need Jesus so badly, is there any saints or church fathers who I can read that would help?

I hate how weak my faith is, I worry some evil spirit has morphed my brain into denial, a denial so strong I can’t fully let go. Not to mention all the things you hear, nonbelievers and their often astute debate points.

Any words of wisdom for someone like me? Even just a prayer for me would be really appreciated