Struggling to move on

This is more a post to vent and get my feelings out as I am the type of person to internally deal with things and struggle on. Also may be a long one.

I (41f) was with someone (46m) on and off for around 4 years and around 8 weeks ago I went NC with him after dealing with as much hurt as I could take.

It was a complicated, toxic relationship as I am a divorced single mum of two (10m, 14m) and had the typical traumatic childhood that has left its mark.

Last year I broke it off with the guy as he had gotten in contact with someone from his past he wanted to also have a relationship with alongside myself and I ended the sexual side of our relationship but - stupidly - maintained the ‘friendship’ side as we had been through a lot over 4 years and I classed him as my best friend. After a couple of weeks he reached out to me about how much he missed me and wanted to be with me and I stupidly gave in after we met up to talk and he explained his reasons behind his actions and had said he’d dumped the previous woman for me.

The reasons he gave were I was never 100% available because of my children, his father had bad experiences as a stepdad so he was worried my children would be the same, and I rarely invited him to my house. The last part stung as when we were on a previous break, I had been dating someone I met on a dating app and this person ended up SA’ing me in my own home and he bought up the fact I let this person in my house but didn’t invite him over very frequently.

My house is my safe space and I rarely invite anyone in as it’s for me and my kids, and with the person who sa’d me I thought that may be a reason why previous relationships hadn’t worked is because I was so closed off with my home. Got that part wrong!

After this talk we got back ‘together’ again. I know.

Fast forward to about 2 months ago I found out he was still to the girl again and she was coming to visit him and he was going to visit her so I lost it, told him to not contact me again and removed him from all of my social media’s.

The problem I’m having right now is I miss him. I miss our talks, I miss his company and I miss doing things together. I’m struggling hugely as I have had to take complete custody of my kids (previously 50/50) because of issues their father is having right now and I am exhausted with everything. I have no family around, my friends are all coupled up and I have an incredibly small support circle.

There is no advice im asking for or help, but I’m just feeling so worn down with everything I had to let it all out!

Thank you for reading his ridiculous biblical post and I know, I made some stupid decisions so reaping a lot of the fall out of these!