Silent Suffering...

I'm a girl from a middle or maybe poor family, I don't really know. We eat well, we travel, we dress nicely, but at the same time, we don’t own a house. We live in a rented place. Still, people who study with me think I’m rich, because I never talk about these things, and because mindset and personality play a role. I have strong energy and a confident personality, like a girl who has it all and lives a perfect life — even though that's far from the truth. We live on the ground floor of a house. Above us is a well-off family. We rent only the first floor, while they own the three floors above. Our house is about 60 square meters or less. One toilet. One bathroom. Two rooms. A small kitchen. A small living room. And a tiny outdoor space without a roof where we hang clothes. The house is too small for us — we're five people. I've been living in this place for nearly two years. I've never felt comfortable here. I always think, if I die and people I know come to my funeral, they'll see where I lived. I won’t be at peace in my grave. I'm 17 years old. This is my last year in high school. I used to be among the top students. I’m not bragging — just stating facts. I’m very beautiful and likable. I don’t need to try hard to be loved. People treat me well. Teachers always liked me. On the street, people smile at me — elders and little kids. Even cats come to me. I’m spontaneous. I love nature, science, and history. I only talk about things like religion, energy, and animals. But over the past two years, I stopped being an excellent student. Problems at school changed everything. The girls who were once my friends spread rumors about me. I was left alone. People talked about me. Everyone said it was out of jealousy. That was the first time I realized some people are just bad. The first time I experienced betrayal. I always try to justify others' behavior and tell myself they probably have their own struggles. That happened last year. I was in the science major — the hardest track in high school. I couldn’t focus on studying. I dropped from excellent to average. The events are many. The result was depression. I stayed locked in my room. I stopped eating, showering, or going to school. I cried all day. I’m very sensitive and think too much. I started wondering if there was something wrong with me to make people treat me like that. I lost all confidence. I thought, how can I go out in public with this face? Anyone who looks at me will see nothing but ugliness. I hated how I looked. This year, which is my final year of high school, I changed schools. I wanted to get back to being excellent. But things didn’t go as planned. The school is 4 km away. Sometimes I take a taxi. Other times, I walk if the weather allows. That’s not the problem. The problem is I never healed from last year’s trauma. I couldn’t go back to who I was. My relationship with my mom is awful. I don’t want to say she's narcissistic, but she was raised by a narcissistic mother. She pushes me to rage until I rip my clothes, pull my hair, or scratch myself. I lose control. She just stares and smiles sarcastically. She once told me, “If I knew you'd turn out like this, I would've killed you at birth.” I always ask her, “What’s wrong with me?” People always compliment me on my manners and behavior. Some even told her, “I wish my daughter was like yours.” Once, a newborn girl in the family was named after me because they wanted her to be like me. We’re three sisters. I’m the eldest. I’m still physically punished for the smallest things. My sisters get treated like normal daughters. I don’t. Since childhood, I’ve been punished with silence or beaten for little things. When I was eight, I played with my male cousins. When we got home, my mom told me, “You play with boys, you whore.” They always told me to wear long, loose clothes so I wouldn’t seduce boys with my body — even though I was just a child. I was sexually harassed several times. When I was ten, a man on the street exposed himself to me. The problem is, I don’t feel safe with my mom. Her love is conditional. I have to clean the house and act like a maid just for her to treat me normally. She told me, “If you want me to be nice, clean the house.” She knows what I’ve been through. She knows my best friend betrayed me and that I’m all alone. My life is just my room. I never lived my teenage years. I never did anything. When I was 12, my aunt accused me — in front of the entire family — of seducing her husband. I didn’t even know how pregnancy worked back then. I was just an innocent child. Still am. I’m not comfortable at all. Recently, the family living above us was doing construction. Our ceiling collapsed. Now, our bathroom and toilet are exposed. I asked my parents to find another place. My dad beat me with a belt and hit my face ، My mom pulled my hair and my dad told me, “If you don't like it here, get out. I’ll kick you out of the house and erase you from the civil registry. You’re no longer our daughter.”My dad said, “I’ll kill you and finally get rid of you. I’ll go to prison, I don’t care.” This year, I have the national exam in two weeks. I still understand nothing. I only want to pass so I can escape this toxic family. I swear I’m suffering so much. I only wish for death. I have a demon, not a mother. And a father who barely went to primary school. He only listens to his narcissistic wife. I've always had suicidal thoughts because this is just too much. But I can't act on them because I still have hope in God. Two weeks left for the exam. I have no passion for studying. I don't want to repeat the year. What should I do?