I'm scared they're gonna find out

ive always been secure in my identity as a LGBT+ person but I'm scared because of mom finds out I don't know what I'll do. mom might accept me but people will be mean and i can't take it. i hope people never find out but I know they will because I'm just that obvious. i need help but even therapists are homophobic.

i don't want to be born straight. im happy. this is who i am. i just wish to be born in a world where this wouldn't be so suffocating.

I'm not nice. dad's dead. i came out to him once. i think i knew he wouldn't understand. he's a good guy. he loved me. it was okay. it's fine. it's fine. i don't miss him. i don't. i saw him cry once. i had scars. and he was crying and i don't know he never broke but i broke him I'm a selfish pathetic mess i wish i died instead.

i have so many scars. they're so wide, it's jarring to look at these huge lines. I'm unlovable, unfuckable, and I'm a freak. but i want more. the guy who sold blades was always mean to me. he used to scream. i was scared. mom wouldn't understand. she'd cry. she'd call me names. she'd scream. im scared.

i want to peel it all off and sit in the bath so that the warm water consumes me and I'm nothing but bubbles.

im sorry. im scared. i want a hug. i want home. i want to stop. i want to keep going. i want nothing. i want everything.

i don't know what i wanted to say here. i just need to forget this all. just pretend it doesn't exist. swallow it like the pills. it gets stuck in my throat like the round pill. it hurts. i wanna cry. it's in my throat.

I'm not faking it someone believe me please just one person tell me they believe me and I'll know it's not in my head but it's all in my head and im an attention seeker and this is all fatherless behaviour.