ROCD Story

Hi Friends! Pulled from an ask Reddit Thred, I thought it might help someone here:

I had undiagnosed OCD that manifested for years in obsessive thoughts over my now husband’s past. I’m sure this was partially fueled by purity culture and my personal decision to wait until marriage. The compulsion side of my disorder manifested in re-assurance seeking. I was misdiagnosed twice and told I was sinning against my husband for struggling. Once I got the diagnosis and medication I got much better and I’m in remission now.

My husband is the best man who ever lived.

Reply:

Hi friends! I’ve received a lot of replies here so I’m going to try and answer everyone’s questions.

I knew my husband for several years before we started dating, so the fact that he had been active before me wasn’t a surprise. I was upfront that I was waiting until marriage and he waited for me until our wedding night.

I tried not to let his past bother me, but what I now know was OCD latched onto it hardcore. I would have intrusive thoughts of him being with other people. I would constantly wonder if I was being compared to women from his past.

It’s important to note that in reality, he has never compared me to anyone. These fears were entirely in my head.

I would feel the need to constantly talk out these feelings with him. I didn’t want to make him feel bad, I think I wanted him to maybe “understand?” OCD in itself is irrational, and giving into the compulsions just feeds the cycle. I would feel absolutely terrible when I made him feel bad, but I couldn’t stop feeling I needed reassurance. I became toxic. Specifically, I remember not liking it when he would interact with female coworkers outside of absolutely necessary conversation. I’m talking about “don’t ask them how their weekend was” level of small talk.

I think both of us knew something was off. I had concluded to myself that it was ocd, but was told by two separate therapists that it wasn’t. Although super common, OCD is still misunderstood by a large amount of professionals.

It wasn’t until I went into EMDR trauma therapy that my therapist noted that I had done all the work to “forgive” my husband, I had checked all of the processing boxes, however I was still struggling against my better judgement.

She sent me to a psychiatrist who easily diagnosed me with OCD and GAD.

I am super blessed that my husband saw through the mental illness and walked with me through it. We’re coming up on 5 years of marriage and are the happiest/healthiest couple I know. I don’t say this to brag, but to let anyone struggling with the same thing know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

My advice: Absolutely get help if you are struggling with intrusive thoughts. OCD is extremely common and takes 17 years on average from the onset of symptoms to get a diagnosis. I wish I had gotten evaluated when I was much younger, as I’ve struggled with various themes throughout my life.

Pursue ERP therapy, which is the gold standard for OCD treatment. The NOCD app has easily accessible and affordable options.

To get diagnosed and medicated you need to see a psychiatrist. Find one that is familiar with mental compulsions in OCD. Sertraline is my base medication. I also use gabapentin off-label, and it has been immensely helpful. I was on klonopin for years but don’t recommend it. It worked, however it’s much more dangerous. I shouldn’t have been prescribed it the way I was. My current regimen is Sertraline, gabapentin, busperone, and one other as needed that I can’t spell. It is a lot, but it has been worth it. I’m decreasing my meds gradually because my outside coping mechanisms have improved, and because I did gain some weight I believe as a result.

I grew up pretty anti-medication, but I’m 100% in support of it now. The brain is an organ and needs medication when it’s sick, just like a heart or liver would.

Since it was asked, my husband’s partners were in the single digits before me. He got tested for STDs before we got married and he is clean.

If you think you might be struggling with something similar, research retroactive jealousy OCD. It’s very awful to deal with but very, very treatable. Hugs ❤️