I just wanted to feel included

It's mother's day and holidays always have me feeling low and lonely even though I have some family. The thing is, my family didn't ever let me celebrate holidays because they have been brainwashed by crazy religious ideals. Now when holidays come around, I feel at my lowest and most lonely. They never got me Christmas gifts, didn't let me hang up any lights or decorations, no family gatherings. It was just so bleak and confusing. I would feel embarrassed and left out when kids would talk about what they got for Christmas or what they did because all I ever got to do was sit around alone and I definitely didn't get to have any gifts. I love my family but they're very fucking dumb and gullible. One Christmas (alone) I saw my neighbor had threw out his Christmas tree from years past. It was all shitty and broken. But I bent down and picked up a twig from it. I found a mini string of tiny Christmas lights about 3 inches long, and I put it in my window so I too could feel just a tiny bit of Christmas joy. So when mothers day rolls around I feel like "....ok...?". They loved me and took care of me and gave me birthdays. But I really feel a hole in my heart to this day. God I wanted nothing more than to hang up lights and a tree. It wasn't even about getting stuff, idc if the gift boxes were all filled with Styrofoam, I just so badly wanted to tear into a mystery gift Christmas morning. But when I find a partner, a wife, I will give her and our kids the best Christmases ever and shower them with love and attention and gifts. Thanks for whoever stuck around till the end. Feeling lonely today. Thanks yall