Just putting this out there to lighten the load. feel free to skip it.

Salam,

I’ve decided to spill it out because the baggage of guilt within me has become too heavy to carry.

Alhamdulillah, I’m doing fine in life overall, even though the burden of guilt makes me sometimes wish that someone could rip my heart out of me. But I do remember my purpose in this world: to worship Allah SWT to the best of my ability, to take care of my parents, and to help the needy.

To begin with, I was never a practicing Muslim during my childhood (which I deeply regret). I’ve always been a loner, with no friends or close cousins. Looking back at my teenage years, they might have turned out differently if I had developed a connection with my Creator. Back then, I was bullied so severely that I was forced to commit a sin—something I can’t reveal—but the guilt from that sin broke me. It made me fight back against the bullies. That day, after making them eat the dust, I tried my best to ensure that no one else would be bullied again.Since I wasn’t religious at the time, I attributed that rebellion to myself. Later, I continued walking down that path, full of pride, excelling in academics, feared by my schoolmates, and admired by my teachers. Over time, I became many things—only a few were good, and most were bad. As a result, my maturity level developed far beyond my age, but I also developed a strong hatred for things like love and the baggage it brings by observing the people who were in relationships.

A few years later, I still felt incomplete and like a bad person. By Allah’s mercy, I was guided to the straight path Alhamdulillah, through a certain someone. I had feelings for a woman (never met or spoke to her), even though I despised the idea of love. In that phase (it lasted about a year) by Allah’s will, I learned to become more kind and gentle.

These feelings weren’t something I willingly desired. I had never experienced anything like them before, and they made me feel insane. Eventually, I found someone who was going through a similar phase, and that kind person helped me through it. I truly revere them (and still do); they embodied kindness and empathy.

I did Istikhara for a month, and eventually, the feelings I had for the person I used to love faded away. I was so relieved that those feelings had finally ended. I prayed to Allah never to let my heart become attached to anything involving love again. For a week, I felt at peace.

Then, I noticed something was wrong with the person I revere. I began pouring my heart out like never before in every dua for their ease, only to end up developing feelings for them. I was filled with guilt. I could never look at them through the lens of love. Since I’m a loner, I usually write down my thoughts in my notes when something troubles me, so I can reflect later.

Once again, I turned to Istikhara—this time hoping to be guided out of these feelings. I know Istikhara is for seeking guidance, and it had worked wonders for me before. But this time, I acted out of desperation and fear. Unfortunately, instead of the feelings fading, they became stronger.

Eventually, I wrote a confession in my notes again. One early morning, while I was still half-asleep (I’m a heavy sleeper and don’t fully wake up for about an hour), I received a message from the person I revere. They said it was time to end our communication. I was okay with that. But I don’t know what happened—I was still in that half-awake state, and I accidentally sent them the confession. A few moments later, I came back to my senses and realized what I had done.

The guilt hit me really hard. On one hand, I was glad I had been honest with the person I revere. Alhamdulillah, that kind soul turned me down in the kindest, most gentle way possible—despite the storm she was facing in her own life. I tried to convince her (even though deep down I knew it wouldn’t work). She remained patient and kind with me until the very end of the conversation. For old time’s sake, she gave me a final lesson and kicked some sense into me. Since I was already mentally prepared for it, I was able to understand her message clearly.

Alhamdulillah, I’m grateful that Allah made me a better person by sending her into my life. This was probably the only rejection I’ve seen that didn’t lead to heartbreak. But the guilt inside me is still eating me alive—I feel it in my bones.

I never expected to be in this position. I don’t understand the wisdom behind developing such feelings when I had prayed for my heart to be protected from love and anything that isn’t for me. I sincerely asked Allah not to let me go through such an experience again, only to end up in the same waters. I still don’t understand the wisdom behind it—but In Shaa Allah, I will one day.

I have other things in my life that need my best efforts and attention, but the burden of guilt is something I’m still trying to carry with me because I’ve been many things in life but never a betrayer and I can’t forgive myself for what I did, and I can’t seem to wash it off. I am in not stuck or getting pulled down by the burden of guilt but once I am done with my day, I just regret and repent. I am living my life to the fullest with this burden but it’s still a burden something I wish to take it off me but I don’t know something in me just can’t seem to forgive myself for what’s been done. May Allah forgive me for my stupid stubbornness and guide me.

The pursuit of happiness will always fail unless Allah wills it to happen, I am just laughing it off for now hoping I am following one of the sunnahs of Prophet SAW. Thank you for your patience if you’ve read it this far, and please pray that Allah gives me strength to carry this burden till my last breath. JazakAllah Khair.