I don't like being around animals anymore

Zocd ruined them for me completely. I used to love being around animals, now they scare me, disgust me, and make me have mini panic attacks each time i see one. It's gotten so bad to the point where i feel like sometimes i want to kill animals (i never would unless i had to!) and i hate furries and therians now.

If i look forward to going horse back riding i get scared. If i see any animal, even birds and fish, i get scared and panicked. I get scared that people are secretly zoophiles. I can't look at animals anymore without getting uneasy and disturbed. I can't imagine spending quality time with an animal anymore because i consider it creepy of me.

I can't brush the horse i do horse back riding with without feeling 'wrong' in some way, or studying her extra carefully to see if im attracted. I can't be proud of her, or pet her with my bare hand. The male horses scare and disgust me so bad, i can only go around mares and feel mildly comfortable sometimes. She's a pretty horse, and finding her aesthetically nice scares me. I also care about her, which scares me.

I have spent months trying to ignore the thoughts, or pretend like i don't care. I still go horse back riding and enjoy it (most of the time) as sort of exposure. But fear of zoophillia is still there, lingering, coming and going in harsh waves.

Fuck my brain honestly. This is why we can't have nice things.