is this cheating - real concern please advise

I met one of my boyfriends friends late last year and as I found him attractive it sent me into a huge spiral. I felt so self conscious about how I was perceived by him and wanted to be impressive and pretty and cool, like I wanted him to think my boyfriend has done well, but i’m questioning now if i wanted him to fancy me/be jealous of our relationship? it makes me sick but i think maybe i did, not because i wanted this person at all but just to feel like i’m good enough and seen as good enough by others. it disgusts me but idk what is intrusive and what is just a part of myself i can’t accept. when i saw he had a gf i sickeningly felt a bit jealous - not bc i wanted him at all, but bc i wanted his approval and i knew he’d be less likely to think im attractive and worthy if he had a pretty gf - i kept having intrusive thoughts about this person and wondering if i wanted to be with them and it upset me so much, but to some extent i enjoyed the thought of being friendly with them/being liked by him (just platonically) - so were the thoughts even intrusive at all? the ones about us being together repulsed me and made me so uncomfortable, because i love my bf so much and i didn’t want to think those things. i just wanted this friend to approve of me? am i horrible and disloyal? do i deserve my boyfriend or should i tell him so he can break up with me?