depressed so long i feel like im faking it

22f diagnosed with depression anxiety ptsd & bipolar disorder .. but hear me out .. just this weekend alone i went through so much just starting with the hospital & a new prescription.. told none of my friends, scolded myself about it then went & had a great night out.. beyond the social anxiety i was fine… got home & reality sank in.. like i force myself to forget my pain for the sake of not feeling like the person who always got a sad story. yet thinking of the good moments feel unreal too like im either dissociating or making it up. Overall depression feels like a request.. on command. Idk but understanding my shit feels fake. Or maybe i don’t understand it at all.. but feeling in control of atleast one thing in my life works. Anyone get me? i feel like a walking contradiction