When do I (21F) finally give up on my apathetic partner (20M)?

This will be a bit of a long one.

Me and my partner have been going on two years together - Things started as us meeting within a Discord community dedicated to music. There was immediately chemistry there, long conversations, extreme gestures of sentiment through letters and gifts, always making time for each other, proper communication, actual goals in place. Perfect to say the least, despite the two hour distance between us.

I ended up going to see him for a week, about 2 months into our relationship. While I was on his laptop playing a game, I kept getting a sinking feeling about someone that had been messaging him. I went through the message history and found out that he had been cheating on me with another guy that was sending him money (He was unemployed with no job experience and would catfish as a woman to get by). This caused a huge fight about invading his privacy and it was excused by him saying that he held no attachment to this person. It was one of the first of three instances where he physically assaulted me. He blocked the guy in the end and I forgave him for everything under my rationale that we had both been in negatively influenced situations before we met regarding people we talked to and this was something that was residual of that. I don’t hold grudges against him for it.

After a few months, I encouraged him to get a job so we could eventually have the means to move out. He has had a few jobs since then but for the past month, his current job has him working 10 hours most days and we rarely talk or call as we used to due to him being constantly tired. These circumstances have lead him to voluntarily isolate and become hostile if I make an attempt to put my foot down and talk things out. He has told me countless times that he is apathetic about our relationship, that I am manipulative for my attempts to establish emotional communication, that he does not have the will or see a purpose within him to change it, and at worst that I am a narcissist and only think of myself rather than understanding his situation. It is almost as if my attempts to help and communicate that this is a cycle that is going to harm the both of us is always seen in a malicious context than genuine concern and desire to get him out of it.

The thing is, it seems to mainly be focused upon our relationship. He has a friend he met in December that I originally had no issue with. I have not met him but he does not seem like too much of a bad person. Upon our recent visit after 4 months, I noticed cigarette packs in his car. I asked about it because we both had an agreement to quit for our own benefit really early on and it was something I overcame after 6 years of doing it myself due to him. He said that they were his friend’s and that they were given to him but he did not partake himself. I believed him at first but after a trip to the store, it started to get to me. I asked him to be honest if something was going on and he admitted that he had been smoking again for the past month and that his friend got him hooked on it due to peer pressure from him and his group. After he left, I expressed during a conversation that it was something quite childish and that maybe this friend and their group was not a good influence upon his life if he is that swayed by peer pressure and the desire to fit in with these people that he would sacrifice something he knew meant a lot to the both of us and had sentiment behind it. He got reasonably upset, accused me of being controlling, and did not talk to me for a week.

Since then things have been rocky between us and some days we will agree to change our behaviors on both ends, but he constantly keeps going back to isolating from me, saying that he doesn’t have time to meet unrealistic expectations and that he does not care about his life anymore, that he feels as if all he is meant to do is work and sleep.

It hurts. I stay because somewhere deep down, I believe the person I fell in love with is still there and that by being persistent enough in trying to offer support and opportunities to talk, I can get him to see the harm in this cycle he’s stuck in enough to put in effort. He is my first real relationship so the love that I hold is significant. We have grown in a lot of ways together in terms of life advancements that we previously did not see as possible.

I have straight up asked him if it is my time to leave due to his apathy and he flips between telling me no and “If that’s what you want”. I feel that by leaving, I would be breaking a lot of promises I made and simply just letting negativity win over the both of us.