Hinge didn’t go as planned

I perform with a group at events and have had convos with both partners about how to handle this. A usually attends the events and sometimes helps out with performances. B had never seen me perform. Last fall neither was ready to meet, so B never attended. (I live with A and have been seeing B since last summer).

Now it’s spring. I’ve resumed discussions with each. At a recent event, A said they were okay with B coming - they wouldn’t want to spend time with us together but it was okay if I went off for a bit with B if they came. A also said someone they just started dating might come by as well (I wasn’t asked about this ahead but I would have been okay with it, and also she didn’t come by). At the end of the day, A said they were glad ultimately that no one else came by because it ended up being a special day for the two of us. I agreed but also said I appreciated A’s openness if it had worked out for B to come (B had other plans and the timing wasn’t good).

Yesterday was another event that B was already planning to attend with friends, and was planning to come watch me for a bit.

B was cool with anything from an intro to A, to “I’ll just wave at you from the audience” to not coming by if A wasn’t comfortable. A was clear with me that seeing any kind of affection/PDA with me and B would be too hard. On the way to the event with A I said that B would do whatever A was comfortable with - and it was almost like we had never talked about it. A got upset like “I can’t deal with this today” and once at the event, I went on stage and A went MIA. (A went to take a walk to avoid B).

A basically tends to deal with anxiety by being avoidant - which feels ok in the immediate term and in the bigger picture is not helpful.

So, What happened?

Because A went for the walk as I was getting on stage and didn’t communicate ahead, I didn’t have a chance to text B ahead. When A didn’t show up after 10-15, I texted B to say A isn’t around come by whenever. B stopped by with friends, watched for a bit, did a couple little waves / smiles and left before I was done. A suddenly appeared at the back of the stage shortly after for the last bit of the performance.

Turns out as B was walking up the street with friends, A was walking down. (They have seen pics of each other). I guess A did hang out somewhere out of my eyesight, because they later told me A saw B “looking at me adoringly” from the audience and is now upset/processing their feelings about it.

A and I had the whole day together and they do acknowledge they need to deal with their own feelings about it. And it was hard to see someone else show/display what looked like loving/adoring feelings towards me - even though we never touched or interacted. A has been pouty and upset. I made extra efforts to be affectionate and loving with A also.

I know underneath it are the fears that I will leave A for B. I’ve been with A a really long time.

It’s true that things have been moving and growing slowly with B and we would like more time together. It’s gone from only once a week to sometimes twice (although other times not at all depending on schedules). So I understand the worry of then it will be 3 times, etc. But “replacing” A with B will never happen.

B, who is much younger, has been showing incredible maturity. About meeting A, they said “I’ve accepted it’s inevitable we will meet at some point”. They have been gracious about doing or not doing what A is ok with. They have only said super respectful things about my relationship with A, not wanting to negatively impact it in any way. They have also told me they are glad I have A, because they like that I have someone else to be a source of emotional support (and it takes pressure off B).

A has struggled all along. I’ve noticed when A has a good romantic prospect, A has been more relaxed about B in my life. But right now they are seeing someone they aren’t enthusiastic about, and have had difficulty dating (they are a little older and I think it’s just harder to meet people. I’ve found a lot of flaky people through apps myself).

I feel like I did my best to be a good hinge and it kind of backfired.

This particular situation will continue to come up with it being performance season (we often perform at outdoor festivals and larger events) - but otherwise they have little reason to cross paths. I don’t talk much about one with the other. It would be nice to be able to keep the door open to invite B to future performances - and that also causes anxiety and dread for A. I would not invite B to every performance, but would like to if it’s part of an event they would enjoy, or near their home.

Any thoughts or comments or advice welcome.