To all my brothers and sisters in Christ who struggle with bad habits/sin

For my whole life I was raised in a Christian setting, mostly because my grandparents who were very religous had a large infulence in our lives. I was also born with a malformation which the Doctors claimed would kill me at 20 ( I'm currently in my mid 30's. ) I suffered a lot in my life, between being a social outcast, dealing with issues with my family, and of course the malformation I was born with. I ended up getting 60+ surgeries to combat my condition, and yet never was able to get rid of it, and even going blind in my good eye because of one of said surgeries to try and get rid of the malformation. With all this, there were 2 timers in my life were I hot rock bottom. The first time when I was 16, and I heavily considered ending everything, but due to my fear and love of God did not. The second time in my mid 20's when I lost my good eye and fell into a deep depression and sin.

You see, before the second time I had known what lust felt like as most teen's do as their hormons kick in but, I didn't know what lust actually was in the biblical sense as though I was raised Christian, I didn't exactly go to church every weekend, and when my grandparents moved away, my learning of God's word slowed greatly. And so I indulged, unknowing what it was I was really doing. Fast forward to my adult years and having moved in with my father ( as he and my mother were seperated before I could remember ) and I found myself in a more faith nurishing home and learned about what I was doing. It took some time but I had stopped indulging for a time, though I did fall time to time. But then, my second rock bottom happened and I fell deeper then ever and found things I wish I hadn't. All this to say, I am a devout follower of Jesus, I love Him with all my heart and praise him for getting me through all I have been through. But, because of that second fall I now struggle far more with lust then I did before.

I have done my best to avoid things I know would trigger it but with how society is today it's hard to avoid it all, especially online. I am stuck at home 24/7. alone most of the time and do to my high blindness and condition I can't get a job and thus must live off sociel security. So with so much free time on my hands, it's easy to slip up and focus on those old things. And, do to my condition, I have had very little confidence to try and find a partner before I went blind. ( I did try but all I asked rejected me ). And so I don't have the outlet for these pent up feelings to be released the way God intended. Despite all this, despite my constant struggle, I trust in Jesus and that one day I will be able to simple ignore these urges. Maybe he will lead me to my partner who is meant to be. I don't know, but what I do know is this: It doesn't matter how many times we fail, it doesn't matter how deep the hole we think we are in because God's love is never ending. He will never stop wanting us to come home, and He will always be waiting to give us another chance so long as we recognize our own failings and try to be the best us we can be.

This doesn't mean I'm ok with what I do, far from it. I wish greatly I could remove these feelings and thoughts from myself, and it saddens me when I fail to them. But, what it dose mean, is that I know so long as I confess my sin, and so long as I don't promote/be ok with it and keep trying to be better, God will not give up on me. So don't give up on yourself either ok? We all make mistakes, we are human after all.