giving up

I've been on this sub since I realised all the weird things happening with us (dreams, synchronicities, past encounters etc). I've known him for 18 months. Since the very first day I was intrigued but did nothing. 8 months later we just started talking out of nowhere and it exploded into the most intense 3 weeks of my life. This was 10 months ago and we've been in separation since. There was a brief period of a semblance of an attempt but that left me worse off. but yeah 10 months of close to no contact (there was always a random brief back and forth here and there)

I tried my very best. I gave it my all. But I'm always stuck and he seems like he's fine. I know he's not and I know he's going through a lot (the main reason he cited for us not being together) but I can't help still being hurt. 3 weeks ago I finally cut him out of my mind and blocked him. (I always had in mind that he'd come back at some point) but this time i had all these rules too (no listening to love songs, no visiting this sub, no maladaptive daydreaming, no justifying/romanticizing his excuses) and I was quite fine for a while. I was looking forward to meeting someone that would treat me right.

2 days ago, I wanted to make a move on someone I found cute and he's suddenly back in mind, and I'm trying my best to push him out but he's just there. and the same day I realised he had sent me a random reel on instagram. ik this type of shit is quite common with tfs but I just can't take it anymore. I don't want any of it. I don't want him anymore. I don't want this pain anymore. I just want to move on. he's not letting me be. and idk I think I just wanted to vent.