I can't seem to figure out how to process the loss of my friend

I lost a friend of mine last Thanksgiving to cancer and I haven't been myself ever since. I loved him and was pursuing him when his cancer got diagnosed and I had to back off. I think that I was not a good support because I found it incredibly hard to stay by his side during his treatment and also because I had moved to another country by then. The truth is, I only figured out the intensity of my love after his passing; it felt like someone had injected a radioisotope in my bloodstream and it had lit up every fibre of my being that was attached with him. For my own sanity, I try not to remember him as remembering him makes me do insane things which, I fear, defile his memory. Yet, when his sister told me how he had already brought me up with her (indicating a mutual interest), whatever excuses I was making to stay sane just vanished. Despite being a very sexually reserved person, I now look for hookups to drown the sorrow and move on(?). I tried to get into therapy but found talking about him to be too overwhelming. Despite us never being in a relationship, I've kissed and carressed my empty bedside on so many nights. I've read books to him, I've written poems for him, and yet my heart continues to bleed.