Feeling "fake" after attempting suicide

I tried doing it, was stopped by my sister, and it was painful. I hate knowing I made her suffer so much.

Anyway, I kinda feel fake. Like I knew I wouldn't go through with it. In the moment, a part of me thought "you can do all these things if you survive or if you turn back", and the other part just said "you've planned everything, you might as well go on and do it". Even as I was <!cutting my wrist I kinda saw it as a game, like "what's the first thing I see under my skin? How much fat is there? Will I see if the artery is pulsing with my heartbeat? Is it really that thicker than a vein?"!> I kept trying to <!go deeper!> and I was lost in a haze, not actually thinking "I'm killing myself", just <!"I'm cutting my wrist".!>

I feel fake in that sense. Like I wasn't actually suicidal, I'm just making it up or something, I couldn't POSSIBLY think I was going to succeed, it's like I never meant it in the first place. It feels fucking awful. Why make my family go through such pain for something I didn't even mean? Was I lying to myself when I woke up yesterday and thought "I'm going to kill myself today"?