Not coming out? (Insane yap post)

Wasn't exactly sure how to title this but I just wanted to share my whole experience just to find out if I'm not alone with this sort of thing and I've been thinking more about it since I started T 4 months ago

I never "came out" like in any sort of "I am trans" sort of declaratory way, my mom and stepdad never questioned anything about me getting my hair cut short in 8th grade, or how I never wore skirts and dresses and always wore more masc clothes cause quite frankly so did my mother as we lived and worked on a farm. I also grew up and still do live an relatively rural area in the appalachian mountains, my stepdad was pretty far right(we watched fox news every night) but the only comment he ever made about me getting my hair cut was making a bet for 1k that I would be a wife married with two kids and a minivan in 10 years, which was only brought up once or twice, he is also no longer in the picture.

So I'm not sure if its some internalized transphobia(?) but I have never told anyone that I'm trans or corrected anyone misgendering me without them asking about it first, being misgendered has never really bothered me much if its not malicious, which I've only experienced that once. I never get deadnamed because I never used my deadname, I've gone by a nickname of that name ever since I was in kindergarten, to the point where people who went to elementary school with me do not know it, and I still do go by that nickname, my chosen name is just the masc version of my legal one. Being deadnamed is the only thing that somewhat bothers me but the only time I hear it is in SOME medical occasions cause most of my doctors have my preferred name in their system.
My mom would buy me binders when i first asked, when I went and changed my name in my High School and College system she didn't say much, when all my friends gradually all started using he/him pronouns and occasionally calling me my preferred full name she brought it up a few times how it made her uncomfortable when talking to my friends parents, but that only happened once or twice.

So flash forward about three years, I bring up that Im going to start T, because I'm old enough now and I've always wanted too. And it just blows my mom straight out of the water, like I blindsided her completely, she cries a decent bit about it, gets pretty upset with me but also demands I tell her exactly why I want to start T and I just cannot figure anything else to say besides "I just want too, it feels right"
She doesn't like that, but then a few weeks pass, she wants to come with me to my consultation and stuff, which never ended up happening cause of work schedules. She was upset when I started cause I didn't tell her when I was going to start before I did. It's been 4 months now and she never brings up any of the changes and we have a perfectly fine and normal relationship.

With that background can ya'll understand why I feel conflicted, I'm not even sure what I feel conflicted about, I guess just that all of my genderqueer friends have had to fight and make an effort to be accepted and I simply never cared what people thought and just did what I wanted? It feels like my experience is almost invalid to me? This never really bothered me till I started T and I don't know why it bothers me now.
Just looking for different perspectives on this.