I want to die

I hurt a friend while blacked out. I’ve never hurt anyone before, especially like this. I lost all my friends and the love of my life and I don’t know how to live with myself. I just want to give up. I don’t want to be here anymore. I’ve cried so much over this and I lost everything and it just feels hopeless. I know if I did do anything drastic then I’d just cause more pain but I don’t feel like I have much here anymore. I’m lost and life feels meaningless now. I don’t expect help, I feel like a monster but I guess I just needed to express it somewhere especially when I have no one to talk to at this point.