Anybody else in hell?

God I need sympathetic, experienced, and wise words right now. I am in so much pain.

And this is about as long and complicated a story as I could imagine anyone could have.

To start it simply, my wife (46) and I (49) have been together for 25 years, married for 22. It’s always been erratic because although I truly love her, we’ve always been on pretty wildly different pages sexually. We had sporadically done threesomes and other experimentation, and we both had also cheated (I did far more damaging things than she did). But it did become apparent that experiencing new things and people was something we were both curious about. In 2016, we came to the conclusion that we would try opening our marriage officially.

What followed was a wild, adventurous, and amazing few years which were ended by Covid. Since then, we were open in name only until about 8 months ago when she finally officially declared she wanted it closed again. The problem is that during that time, I had become fiercely ENM, embracing all the philosophies, culture, and beliefs therein, almost like a religion. It was all such a revelation. Like cracking the code of being human. Throwing away all the norms and traditions and expectations of western romantic culture, and adopting all new ones that were based in reality and not naive fantasy of how people should be.

And I thought, at least while we were in it together, she had embraced it deeply too. It turned me on like nothing ever had before and I felt true compersion. I felt like she had finally come to understand and desire sexuality the same way I had. But then after she closed things, she revealed that she had done it all for me, that it all hurt her deeply, and that she had secretly done it in hopes that she’d meet someone new who would steal her from me and treat her “right” (like a traditional, romantic, monogamous guy).

So I’ve tried so hard to be what she wants me to be for her. Trying my hardest not to bring up anything LS and focusing on day to day vanilla marriage life and putting her happiness first. And failing because inside, all of that new stuff is still me. I believe we can live by whatever rules we see fit, fuck/love whoever we want while still loving each other the most deeply, and chasing happiness and excitement whichever way it comes. She thinks everything is either/or. I either find her and her alone attractive and fantasize about her and pursue her, or I don’t love her at all.

I do love her, but how do I unlearn, ungrow, and unevolve into a simple monogamous man? I want to be together but I can’t imagine being able to accommodate that. I can’t imagine living without her and yet everything points to us circling the drain. Help?