Outside perspective

I'm 29m I've had 2 serious lonterm relationships first lasting 1 year 9 months second lasting a year but was very rocky, had a couple things in-between but not a vast amount.

I know it's thin on the details of the relationship, first I was about 22 just wanted to smoke weed n stupid shit and made her feel lonely and isolated I think.

Second I try to redeem myself but she wanted to party and go to festivals and do drugs, I'd do that then feel shit smoke weed and become emotional distant. Idk it was just a very rocky relationship and she left a couple times hurt a lot each time and was a couple reasons, first time because I was messy, so I tried to be tidier. And the next couple times was because I didn't go out much in the sense of going out drinking nnshit. I don't like doing that puts me on edge for at least a week after and usually ended up doing cocaine.

29 2 relationships, people look at me and think damn you must get all the women. A lot of people have said that. I don't. I am damaged. Now more so than ever. Time marches forward and I feel stagnant in regards to relationships. I don't get women and I do struggle talking to them at first if I feel romantically attracted to them

Idk I'm really screwed up at the minute, every morning feels like my chest is being crushed, plagued with memory's of past relationships. And I'm scared for when my mum dies. If I'm not in a solid safe relationship by then I think the grief will kill me. I honestly don't think I could go on, she left when I was young and now I see her often she is my rock with out her I'm nothing