Recovering after minor infidelity?

TLDR- I’ve caught my bf in deceit more than once, while minor my mental health is not equipped to handle an imbalance of trust. Seeking advise.

Hey all, I apologize for the length. Writing this one with a heavy heart, it’s been a tough few weeks. I’ll start by saying that I (F26) have major trust issues. I’ve had them in almost every relationship I’ve been in and it has destroyed more than one connection. As hard as I try not to let it happen, it can certainly slip into control.

I’ve been with my boyfriend (M28) for a year and a half, seeing each other for just under two years. We’ve had many conflicts about my trust issues and ‘accusations’. Up until recently, I’ve thought that it was just my OCD doing what it always does. I (of course) want to be able to have healthy, fulfilling relationships. And since I’ve had these issues in the past I let things slide that I probably shouldn’t have, but I genuinely struggle so hard to distinguish and have put so much trust in him to guide me and help me come to some kind of conclusion.

Here are some of the things that have happened: He’s addicted to porn. I knew it was an issue, but he is casually consuming porn throughout the day on a regular basis. He’s scrolled through a photoset in front of me more than once. It’s gross. It makes me feel icky. I’m a very sexual and sex positive person, but I believe most porn is harmful and bad. I feel this way based on personal experience and struggle. And I’m no stranger to addiction, so I’m empathic, but it’s very hard to stomach.

Messaging women, twice that I’m aware of: The first time he had a sexual conversation with someone he slept with prior. It was before he officially asked me to be his girlfriend, but we had been exclusive for months, saying “I love you” for longer, met each others families… He sat beside me at my mother’s funeral. I found out a few weeks after we officially started dating, he had sent these texts maybe a month previous. I felt really fucking hurt and betrayed, but forgave him because we weren’t technically together when he had the conversation.

February of this year he texted a woman he had been talking to in the early days of dating (and lied to me about, as we were exclusive at the time. “It wasn’t physical”.). He said that he texted her “hi” and she rejected him, that he left the situation feeling a fool. I feel so betrayed. He doesn’t see the conversation as cheating because nothing inappropriate was said, but he admitted to the reason being seeking validation from another woman.

I’ve already laid these boundaries. He knew it was wrong. I don’t know if this is the extent of his conversations.

I know these things are minor, but I have pretty severe anxiety and OCD. I pick up on minor inconsistencies, lies, etc because everything I see is filed away. While I don’t think he’s slept with anyone else, I can’t help but feel that there’s more than he’s told me. He’s not loyal the way I am (which, granted is extreme. OCD is morally based, I’m faithful in mind, body, and soul).

He’s let me believe I’m the sole problem, like I genuinely felt like I was going nuts. My body has been in fight or flight mode for over a year. I’m constantly on edge and suspicious and overthinking everything he says or does. I’ve gained weight(50lbs), started producing twice the amount of testosterone as before I met him, and get severe acne when we have sex after time away. My body is rejecting him. My nervous system is genuinely suffering and I’m afraid that if I stay it will slowly kill me.

This seems like a bad pretty clear answer, but I’m struggling. He is a genuine and good man. He’s patient and kind, even if I’m malicious or cruel in an episode. He’s only raised his voice at me twice, but has never yelled at me. He’s emotionally aware and sensitive. He’s loving and takes care of the people in his life. I love him. I know he loves me, I feel it everyday in every moment. I truly believe he’s my soulmate, or one of them. I’ve never met anyone like him before and we have the most powerful connection I’ve ever experienced. Something really beautiful and rare. The kind of thing some people go their whole lives without experiencing. I’m certain that, while I know I’ll find love again if I leave, it will never be like this one. We make love 5-10 times a week and the only time I feel truly safe is when we’re together. But- that time that we’re apart… I stress and fear and check his location/socials/etc dozens of times a day. I don’t feel safe or secure.

Im desperate to override my brain and somehow move past what he did, but I don’t know if I can. We broke up a few weeks ago and while the first few days were absolute torture (like- my friends were on suicide watch- very very bad episode, probably my worst) I felt something click in my brain and nervous system on the 4th day. That was the first time I’ve felt peaceful and aligned in a very long time.

Still, when he came over and asked for me back, I caved immediately. He still feels like my partner in every way. We agreed to take some time apart (just a break, not a breakup) and I have been in ambivalence the whole time. My friends are furious and avoiding me. I genuinely don’t know what to do. My gut is telling me to leave, but I can’t imagine how. My body physically can’t handle the thought of not being with him, immediate panic attack and sickness to the point of vomiting.

I need advice. I want to hear from women who have been in similar situations or men that can give me insight to his way of thinking. Is it possible to heal my trust issues enough to allow me to be with him, or will I suspect him forever? Am I overreacting? And how, if I choose to stay, can I heal my trust and nervous system?