Husband and In Law Issue

Salaam everyone,

I've had huge issues in 10 years of my marriage and I feel like it even lasted this long because I put up with things. My husband came to states on immigration when we married, we had known each other from before. All of the sudden after marriage he starts telling me I need to submit to him and obey him, which I know in Shia is limited to leaving the house and sexual needs. Ayatullah Sistani has also mentioned that if a women has to earn her own livelihood, this limit can also be relaxed. I have always worked and while I paid all the bills and expenses, he would pay for the rent and cars. He starts giving me hadith and all trying to prove that I have to obey in all matters.

I do think it's deep down coming from women in house almost bossing their husbands around and he doesn't want that. I believe in mutual respect and balance. I also believe he's very enmeshed with his mother to a point that he would be making calls to her every hour and talking for hours when home so I never felt he was alone with me. He would tell her about all our fights and even our very private issues and she would coach him to mistreat me pretty much, and validate how he is right blah blah. When I got pregnant she started to come without my consent, emotionally abused me and just did nothing while I cooked food and made roti (because of his BS I like roti, no one cooks roti in the states but I have just for him). My pregnancies were horrible due to her involvement and his behavior escalating even more around her. I bared a lot of abuse from them both and don't want to post the extent. He has never liked my family from the start because they didn't like him much when he would start talking and belittleing me, he has insulted me in front of their entire family trying to prove I'm a bad wife when he was just an unreasonble, uncaring, unhelpful husband who only had demands. He was always emotionally tied to his mother and even would say things like respect is for mother, when I asked for intimacy he says that's sex because he can't do intimacy alone. He hugs his mom, would wrap his hands around her waist and kiss her neck things that are really romantic when done to wife. He's very attached to his mother so I didn't make a big deal about it but would love if he would do that to me instead.

We start having kids and he moves her here indefinitely without asking me. She has him on a gold child status pedestal and I know he's been parentified all his life and also emotionally her surrogate partner. He helps her in everything from family issues, to friend issues to everything and in turn she inflates his ego and is always boasting about him. It's to an unhealthy level to a level that when I'm acting normally he thinks I'm minimizing and being jealous because I'm not boasting like she is all the time. I take care of the kids, house chores, pay bills, pay grocery, he pays the mortgage. He pays a lot and also does all the outside work, works on our cars if needed and plays with kids too. However, I am at a point that I could no longer keep my job due to taking care of the kids, house work etc. I always had an issue with making roti every day 3 times and 2 times minimum, I do not understand the concept of serving food but I did it for him because he said that was his love language.

He tells me I don't respect him or submit, I do respect him but while his concept of respect is agreeing him with and letting him take all major decisions. My concept is to respectfully agree to disagree. I cannot trust him because he has violated my islamic rights by never providing me a separate living conditions. My parents cannnot come to our house because he thinks they insulted him and his mom (again because of his overly dramatic mother if she's not put in pedestal she feels shorted and insulted). While some of his concerns with my family are genuine, he has done and said so much to them that those events should just be erased. I also feel that I have put up with so much with his mom and compromised that he should do the same with my parents but he's not willing to.

She (MIL) has told me she can't live without him (my husband) and it's to an unhealthy level, they talk about private things and make jokes that I would never make in front of my parents. She's 60 and complains of wrist pain so she cannot help with kids or housework but then will join him outside doing yardwork which requires way more effort of course to keep her dependant on him and I resent her so much because she has him dependant on her for validation, appreciating, boasting and pretty much joining him in all he does (because she can because she cannot and will not look after the kids or house if I was to join him instead). We have never gone to any wedding, any events WITHOUT her and she sits in front seat with him while I sit in the back and it's been 10 years of this. At first she was visiting so I let her but then she claimed that spot pretty quickly forever and he backs her saying she's my mother will always sit in the front unless she doesn't want to.

I have no trust for him and resent him, hate him for doing this to me. All the money he has made is due to me taking care of the kids, paying bills, grocery, making sure of food in the house but yet she's all he cares for. He'd rather me out then even consider even partitioning the home. He can build an in law suite in the basement which is already finished but he wouldn't because she will feel sad and bad. I'm moving out of this house and he's ok with it.

I feel I have wasted my entire life and have nothing. I don't want to claim half in divorce, that's just not me. I feel like I've been treated worse than a floor mat. I've done so much for him and this house to be left with nothing in the end. He has never had ahsaas for me to say let's eat the store roti instead of me having to make it day in and day out. I sacrificed my career because I had no time yet just spending out of my savings and the little money I made from my small business. He has never said he'll even consider separating his mom. He has never had the basic respect to have my family over to our house, and mainly because she has a problem with them. His mom had abused me in many ways which I let slide but will never forget.

At this point, Allah SWT knows everything and I will never in my heart forgive him and her for not letting me have a married life because of her lackings and voids.