Life didn’t get easier but I found reasons

I’ve been suicidal since I was literally 8, started sh when I was 12. This is probably a horrible idea to post this on this specific account but I don’t care. I nearly attempted/accidentally attempted through sh around almost 3 years ago after this upcoming fall. Went to 3 mental hospitals in a year. But I can’t say it was the right or wrong decision to stay alive.

It was actually torture to watch everyone find out how insane I am internally. How I’m not the normal girl I pretended to be. Everyone said this isn’t me, and I believed it for awhile. But at the end of the day that will always be me. Maybe not completely psychotic like I was, but numb and suicidal.

I went through a ton of shit. It wasn’t big experiences by themselves, but everything happened at once. Losing friends, break ups, death of the people I love. And everything just hits me every three years like a train, basically since I was born.

I’m a superstitious person for sure, but goddamn even an atheist told me one time there’s gotta be something about the way everything just hits me all at once every three years. Yet, I keep going. I think at this point it’s just to spite everyone that has been in and out of my life. I don’t feel much of a will to live.

I mean I do think about my future, I’m still young. But very unpassionately, because how the hell am I supposed to actually do everything I want to. I know there will be a way. But at the end of the day, no matter what you achieve it doesn’t matter. Every achievement big or small I’ve had made me feel nothing.

I don’t feel numb every day now at least. I found reasons to live, mostly family, pets, purpose by relying on others than my own will to live. And this might be controversial, but the wind basically made this decision for me. I got help but was it really worth it to continue living? I don’t know.

Life is just so cruel and bleak and unforgiving. Maybe I’m just plain resentful, traumatized, psychotic. I don’t know. All I know is it hurts to live half the time. I don’t believe in take the good with the bad or any crap like that because they’re all just experiences. They don’t matter because at the end of the day no one will ever remember you or me in maybe a thousand years, a million, even a hundred.

My existence will be erased from this world eventually. So what’s the point? What difference does it make that I chose to get help and listen to the uplifting suicide psa’s? We all die eventually, even if it’s controversial I think it’s not a bad thing to be your own undoing and cause of death. Like if my life is gonna end I might as well put myself out of my misery.

This is dark. But I don’t care. Will I delete this post? Probably. I just needed to get this out. I’m tired of living but I have to keep it going for no reason other than my love for maybe 5 people/animals in this world. And suicide will always stay in my mind for every day of it. But I’ve come to realize that’s fine; I don’t think there’s a way it will ever go away because I’ve felt this way for my whole life even in childhood.

But it’s okay. I’m gonna take it day by day, and if someday I just can’t do it anymore that’ll be that.