its so over

i dont know if its because im on gel or if its because its not been that long, but i havent seen any changes at all on testosterone. i get the occasional sudden body heat, but my voice hasnt dropped at all, and my body hasnt changed a single thing. i would switch to injections,but my mom found my diy so now she goes through all my packages. i was lucky enough to convince her to give it back, saying i was ‘holding onto it’ for a friend, but now i know for a fact i wont be able to get on them, because of her wanting to go through everything i order now. i only have a few weeks supply of gel left too, so once that runs out, i dont know what im going to do.

T was my only hope to pass after i used to go to a school right by my neighborhood, and everyone knew im trans because i was open about it at the time, trying to show that not all trans people are weirdos. total backfire. even some of the lower classmen found out because i was the only openly trans guy, which leads to this story im about to tell you all;

its a little immature, but sometimes i enjoy going to the park nearby and swinging for a bit, brings me some joy in this hateful world. i was hanging out with a ‘friend’ there who i was completely stealth with, and some literal 15 year olds on their motorbikes DRIVE-BY DEADNAMED ME while we were walking down the sidewalk. what the fuck?? i was silently praying there was a rock on the road somewhere so theyd fly head first into the concrete.

i told said ‘friend’ i had some bullshit disorder that causes testosterone deficiency before as an excuse, but i guess hearing that deadname (im not even gonna call it mine) made the pieces finally click in his brain. he was such a good friend too, i didnt even know he was transphobic, i didnt wanna out myself so i never brought up anything even remotely trans-related. he thought i was a total weirdo when he realized i was trans, he then went around telling our mutual friends i ‘wasnt a real guy’.

TIL i cannot even go to a park in peace as a trans person. anybody got reasons not to kick the chair RIGHT now?

TCD. FML.