AITA? I didn’t attend my son’s wedding, I instead spent the evening with his ex wife.

DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OOP.

Original post by u/flaggingd in r/AmItheAsshole

Mood Spoiler: >!Frustrating Ending!<

Trigger Word: >!Cheating!<

AITA? I didn’t attend my son’s wedding, I instead spent the evening with his ex wife.

-Thursday, February 16th, 2023

Quick backstory, after graduating high school my son moved 3 states away for college. At 19 he married a girl he met, I tried convincing him to wait because I personally felt he was too immature. They both dropped out and moved back here to his hometown. At 20 they had their first child, a beautiful little girl. 16 months later, my DIL gave birth to their second child, a little boy.

After the first baby, my wife and I noticed our DIL wasn’t happy. We both thought it was PPD related. Just after the second arrived, my son and his wife separated. She would bring the kids over for a visit, it was then she began unloading on us. I know there’s two sides to every story, but considering I know my son, I believed her. I sat my son down numerous times to speak with him regarding his marriage. He refused to take responsibility, blamed her for everything even when I directly pointed out where he was the sole problem.

They got into counseling, for a year things were ‘ok’ on the surface. Our DIL filed for divorce, my son 3 days later was on Facebook announcing his new girlfriend. A month later, they were engaged. My son had forced his then wife to become a permanent SAHM at the birth of their first child. She of course had no other family or friends here, she knew no one aside from us. She had nowhere to go with two small children. Unbeknownst to our son, my wife and I helped her financially and got her an apartment.

Before the divorce was even finalized, we received a wedding invitation. I made it clear to my son, I would not be attending, and they would not have my blessing. His mother told him she would see to it that I would attend. I stayed consistent in my decision, I also asked him not to bring his fiancée around our house out of respect for the mother of his children.

The wedding happened on Feb 11. The night before, my wife gave me the final push. I did not attend. Our daughter also did not attend for the same reasons. My wife picked up our grandkids, got them dressed and attended the wedding. My daughter and I decided to spend the evening with his ex. I couldn’t imagine her sitting alone, while her kid’s attended their father’s wedding.

She was taken aback that I didn’t end up attending his wedding. We took her out to distract her mind. I just wanted her to know, she’ll always be considered family to us. My daughter also made a joke they can drop the in-law status and just be sisters now. She was very tearfully grateful, I realized just how badly she needed our support and specifically on that night.

The next morning, my son called to tell me how much of a horrible father I am for not attending his wedding. Few days later he caught wind that I spent the wedding evening with his ex. He said that was the ultimate form of betrayal, and further myself and his sister would have to earn a relationship with him on his terms only.

[Update was added as an edit to the original post so there is no timestamp for it.]

*****ETA: First, I’d like to sincerely thank each and every one of you for your support, encouragement, and all the awards. I know without a doubt, I did the right thing. I even feel differently now, his mother should not have attended either. But we can’t go back and undo that.

So, my son saw the post. I had sent my daughter the link yesterday so she could read the comments. This morning, she texts me at work…DAD YOU WENT VIRAL! Lol But anyways, he sent screenshots of the post and all my comments to his mom. He also told her…”He’s dead to me now.” Time will tell if he means that. I’m sure he’ll see this update too. For that reason, I’m positively certain the second he needs another cash loan I won’t be dead anymore.

His mom told him, “Your children have to be our number one priority.” They’re not just some disposable items you can leave behind when one chapter of your life closes. Maybe one day, he’ll understand this.

Comments from flaggingd (OOP) giving more background and context.

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He tried controlling his ex wife. When they married she was blonde. Shortly after she had brown hair. After having the two kids, she wanted to go blonde again. He told her no, that he wants her to have brunette hair. Then he comes home with a tattoo, he never even uttered a word to her before hand. He didn’t want her working, or really ever leaving the house. She gained weight, understandably after having a baby. He was mad at her for not trying harder to lose it. Said he didn’t marry a fat woman.

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It was mostly about control. She was blonde when they married. When they moved here she was brunette. After the kids, she wanted to go blonde again but he told her no. She gained weight after having the babies, he was mad at her for not trying harder to lose it. As he said, “He didn’t marry a fat woman.” He wouldn’t let her leave the house. She basically had to give him a daily schedule of what she was doing and where she was going. He wouldn’t allow her to make friends, she wanted to get a little part time job after the boy was born. He told her she wasn’t allowed to do that. It was basically a marriage where he created rules for her to follow, but he could do whatever he wanted. He wouldn’t help with the kids, meals or housework. He made her do it all, even through both pregnancies. I’m embarrassed he’s my son, I’m just thankful she doesn’t judge me for the way he is. I thought going off to college would make him mature, I didn’t expect him to marry so quickly.

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Yes, I can hope it’ll work out. But I know the odds are horribly against a successful long term marriage. After his engagement take 2, I messaged him and told him he should slow it down, seek some counseling and work on himself before jumping too fast into another relationship. He won’t listen to a single thing I have to say. I’m 47 and I’ve been with one woman my entire life, his mother. We’re not perfect but I must be doing something right. I can’t imagine jumping from relationship to relationship especially while kids are involved. My wife and I have had some booboos but we always work things out. And neither of us ever thought about cheating or even separating.

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[On the wife's feelings about the situation.] She understands. But says I should have attended the ceremony and dipped out before the reception. Just to keep the peace with him.

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So many people here have said he sounds narcissistic. I’ve heard the term a million times. I know it’s a self centered person but I’ve never researched it. Well I did this afternoon. That perfectly describes him. He has no empathy, he’s always right and everyone else is wrong. I see it’s a taught behavior. I have no idea what I did or his mother did to have him develop narcissistic traits. I probably let too much crap slide maybe. He overwhelmed me a lot, he’d laugh at his consequences and act like I didn’t have the authority to discipline him.

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We haven’t had that good of a relationship anyways. He says I favored his sister. She didn’t have me coming to the principle’s office every other week or send the cops out for doing stupid shit. But that doesn’t really matter here. He just gave me a run for my money as he grew up whereas his sister focused on her education and didn’t get involved in delinquent behavior.

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He swore he wasn’t cheating. I’m sorry but if my marriage fails...well it hasn’t but I would do everything I could to prevent that. But I sure as hell wouldn’t be calling 1-800-find-a-bride. Especially with kids involved. There’s so many reasons I couldn’t attend his wedding. I felt like it was a huge slap in his young children’s face. He provided them an unstable household, then overnight daddy has a new step mommy for you. He was without a doubt cheating. [Emphasis added by OP]. His ex knew it, I had even asked if there was someone else but he swore there wasn’t.

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My wife and I have spoken about this. She seems to think his wife now will work fine because she is a bit different than his ex. I don’t see it working though. I don’t know how many marriages and kids he’ll end up having. I can’t always pickup the pieces. If I talk to his wife, no telling what he’ll do in return.

***Marked as "Concluded" as both OP and his son seem to have established their boundaries, and there have been no updates for over two years.***