I hate being happy and I hate being sad

Every time I'm happy, I'm like no, this isn't right, this isn't my real personality, I'm gaslighting myself to fit in, so I force myself to be miserable. But then I feel lonely, and that nothing really matters so I make myself happy. I literally feel like 2 different people, Idk if I'm faking being happy or faking being sad anymore, they both feel genuine, but after a while they both feel fake.