I am utterly shocked at how self centered and cruel people can be. It's getting harder and harder to not just believe people aren't good. Which is making harder not to be self centered and cruel.

I'm no Saint. Just like everyone else, I act in my own interest from time to time. But, when I was more "innocent" I kind of just enjoyed my own thing. Greeted everyone with a dumb little smile, liked to build things and would get wrapped up in that, and wanted to build things that could further the bounds of human capability.

My father would get physical when he got angry and my mother was extremely manipulative. It taught me to be quite adept at cruelty, but I never really felt the need for it. Prefer to just do my own thing and give my stupid smiles. Then kids bullied me brutally for a decade over those dumb smiles, my aloofness, and a handful of other things.

As I entered adulthood I found myself smiling much less, but still approaching people in a good nature. Just like to be friendly, assume the best in people, see a friend where there would otherwise be an enemy. I did find myself growing increasingly lonely though. No real friends; I romanticized the notion of falling in love and having one person I knew I could just greet with a warm smile and be genuinely friendly and open with.

Then it happened. We fell deep in love. Then after a couple of years she cheated on me. A lot. And lied to me. A lot. That friendly person I fell for l who I could just be wholehearted with, had treated me poorer than any of the people in the past who seemed more prickly. I found out an entire rabbit hole of lies throughout the entire friendgroup with her and I've just sworn off any serious friends or relationships for the last year or so.

Now at work, I just want to do the right thing. I just want to make something that works and could actually be useful and helpful. In the process, everyone is ripping each other's arms off to move up the political ladder. I have found that, when needed to get something done, leveraging those tools of tactful aggression and masterful manipulation moves me rapidly up that ladder.

Being alienated from parents, friends, love, and even a coworker "bestie" is really starting to get to me. Seeing no one else who just approaches people without ill-intent is making me more and more jaded. I feel isolated to the point where I know even if I did find someone like that I couldn't trust them anymore. I thought my ex was one of those people, and she had some truly cruel intentions.

At this point I just want to slaughter my way up the food chain and position my finances well enough that I can just buy some property on the Mediterranean in a rural area away from people and just grow old, eventually drinking myself to death in the sun.