i spend a lot of time day dreaming on what my life could look like and what it would be if i took it instead

i day dream a lot, about how my future would play out. but i also think about how i would kill myself a lot. i think about what would happen after, my body, my family.

killing yourself is scary because it goes against all instincts, but if it came down to it, it’d be like getting a shot. it’s not something you can prepare or brace yourself for, but something you have to do with out thinking about it.

i can have a future, and actively i’m still working for it in case i keep going on. i’m just really not interested in life or what it offers anymore. people are nice, some aren’t, things go well, sometimes they don’t. how much i value said situation will always vary. it’s just nonstop doing, but i feel like i’ve had a good share of it all. and it all disinterests me a lot. i’d like to be able to take a 5 day vacation where i drink a bunch, talk to people, hear their stories, see nature, and then just hang myself.

i’ve been fantasizing about how it’d all play out every day for this past week. but i just hate that it’d be traumatizing to family. my sister would be really sad and traumatized. my mom is already super depressed so shed probably become a robot if i did it and that’s not right for me to do.

i don’t like all the sentiment surrounding it but i understand it fully because i feel the same way. it would be really nice if i was miscarried. but i just have to hold out which i guess is okay too, just really stressful and constantly having to go through and do stuff is not my thing. what keeps you going?