I never thought I’d feel this low. I can’t move on from my ex, and it’s driving me to the edge. I feel like I’ve lost myself in a man — something I never thought I’d do.

Some background:

I’m in my late 20s. I’ve struggled with anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts since I was a teen. I’m also morbidly obese, and that has deeply affected my self-esteem and relationships. I dropped out of high school because of bullying, and I’ve been working ever since to support my family and try to get my life on track.

In fall 2023, I started to feel like things were finally turning around. I lost some weight (from 379 to 350), got a decent-paying job in healthcare, and felt motivated again. I even decided to give dating another shot.

Like always, it was brutal. Dating apps were full of rejection — people either ignored me, fetishized me, or used me for sex. Still, I stayed hopeful. Eventually, I made a post on Grommr about how hard it was to find real connection. That’s when he messaged me.

He was everything I thought I wanted — tall, strong, beautiful, respectful, emotionally open. We talked all night. We didn’t talk about sex, he just listened and made me feel wanted. I fell for him fast.

Our first date was magical. There was real chemistry — emotionally and physically. We started talking every day, dating seriously, planning a future together. But then he started pulling away. Less texting. More time on his PC or with online friends. I tried to communicate how it made me feel, but he brushed me off every time. Eventually, he broke up with me.

I was crushed.

After some time apart, we reconnected. I thought maybe this was our second chance. For a while, it really felt like it. We spent a week together and it was amazing. He told me he wanted to go slow, which confused me — we had already been through so much. But I was just happy to be close to him again.

Then, during what I thought was a sweet moment, I joked about him not kissing anyone else — and he hit me with, “Well, you don’t know that. We’re taking things slow, remember?”

It shattered me. I felt used, like a temporary fix until someone better came along. I cried silently that night while he held me, knowing deep down that it was over.

I ended things the next day. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

And now… here I am.

I’m working on myself. I’m on a weight-loss journey. I got a new job offer. I’m planning to go back to school. I’m trying so hard to rebuild.

But songs still remind me of him. Some days I still want to text him. I’ve dated since — nothing feels right. I compare everyone to him, even though I know he hurt me more than anyone ever has.

I know these thoughts aren’t totally rational. I know he didn’t treat me right. But I can’t stop wondering what I did wrong. I keep thinking maybe I was too much. Too needy. Too broken. Too fat. Too Black. Too me.

I’m scared I’ll always be alone. That no one will ever really want me — not for love. Just for fetish, or convenience.

I feel like I’m falling back into that dark place again. I don’t want to be here. I want to be stronger. But right now, I’m just scared. I don’t know how to keep going.

Please… if anyone has been through this, if anyone has any advice, I’m listening. I don’t want to give up. I just don’t know what to do.