Taking her out of daycare is destroying my mental health.

I feel like I’m ruining my daughter’s life and I don’t know how to cope with it. I cannot think about anything else and am hyper fixated on the fact that I’m going to devastate her and her life will never be the same.

She is 4 and goes to the same daycare that I work at. She LOVES it. Is nuts about her friends, crazy in love with her teacher. She has learned so much and her teacher has gone above and beyond for her. She struggles with emotional regulation and no one is better with her than her teacher, not even me-and I pride myself on being an excellent mother to her.

Though I haven’t given my notice yet, I’m planning on mine being her last month here. She will go to a TK school in September, and my devastation feels like it is way too much and a normal mother wouldn’t act like this. I cry all the time, all I think about is what I’m taking from her. Academically, she is ready for more. The other kids in her class are learning their shapes and their letters. She’s reading and doing basic addition and subtraction. Socially, she’s THRIVING here in a way I worried she wouldn’t. Do I say fuck the academics (which she’s so ahead on because I work with her so much) and let her stay because she’s happy??

We have a 3 week trip back home planned for July and a two week roadtrip in August. I have theme park season passes, water park passes, all kinds of activities planned to make her summer a great one. And technically, that would only leave her with 3 weeks of school this summer anyway. But knowing I’m taking her out of school two months before I have to? I am beating myself up, HARD. I don’t know how to explain this to her. When she brought up her birthday party this year, I told her how exciting it would be to invite all her new friends. She replied, “What do you mean, NEW friends?” :(

I’m also terrified of this new school. No one is ever going to fill the shoes of her current teacher. It is a Montessori school, and I am scared shitless I have made the wrong decision. What if they’re mean to her? What if they leave her crying and distraught because she can’t do something, and I have no idea and am not there to help her?

Do I cancel the vacations and give her two more months with her friends? Do I back out of this new school (which will probably bankrupt me, and let her stay for another year until she goes to kindergarten? I cannot pay two tuitions (daycare/new school) and the contract is locked in place for the year already. But honestly, I am 100% willing to file bankruptcy and get out of this contract if it’s what would be best for her.

I’m so sorry for the novel. I’d really, really appreciate any advice. I haven’t slept in days, I can’t eat, I just throw up all the time. I probably need an antidepressant but the lack of health insurance keeps me from perusing that. The distress over harming my child is more than I am able to cope with. I have no one to talk to about this-no friends, no family. This daycare has been my entire village. my husband just says “whatever you want” when I beg for help. I don’t know what to do here.