I cheated ? Realising I am the villain.

I’ve been reflecting a lot lately, and tonight feels like a confession night. I’m not perfect. But somehow, they’ve been used to rewrite the whole story. Or maybe I’m the villain.

The situation:

I (25F) dated someone (25M) for a few months, been knowing him for a year. He was kind, tried to create a safe space, but everything felt surface level. I was just coming out of a very chaotic, toxic relationship where I felt constantly disrespected and emotionally abandoned. I wasn’t healed. I didn’t know what a healthy relationship looked like, and I wasn’t ready but I tried.

With this new guy, I struggled. Early on, he gave me 2 STDs. We weren’t even officially together yet. I forgave him, stayed through that pain, but I guess I was in survival mode. I often think that my actions was just me indirectly being confused from everything as, when we were just having sex we confessed having feelings for each other but was scared and wanted to take it slow, I just didn’t think he’d be having sex without protection with many women without letting me know when we agreed to let each other know if anything like that happened.

Anyway, I lied, my ex came back to give me back some of my items (we lived together at some point) and “friendship” as we left it on horrible terms. I did not want to but it felt like I had to do it to be sure. But seeing him triggered something so I did send a few texts and one memories together - told him I missed him but we couldn’t be together. Not to rekindle anything, but because I was confused, overwhelmed, and hadn’t processed my past. I never planned to get back with my ex, and I never physically replaced my then boyfriend ever. But I did make a poor decision.

I told him the truth eventually. Not the full truth at first, because I was scared of losing him and of conflict. When I confessed, he warned me that he’d leave if I didn’t wrap it up which is valid.

But what happened after broke me more. He went through my phone this one night, he found out about the messages to my ex, he got aggressive. In a way that still scared me, grabbed me, pushed me, snatched my phone, name called me, shouted. I shut down emotionally. I stayed, but I wasn’t present. I was depressed and needed space, which I asked for. That’s when he went through laptop and found more things from around the time he gave me the stds. That was the final blow.

He became cold, he did ask to check my phone to see my dms etc, I refused because I felt that it was too toxic. He jumped straight onto dating apps. We broke up on the 25th of April by the 27th he had dozens of girls lined up, slept with some (unprotected, he even still slept with me too). Sent me messages like “You fumbled a good man.” “You gave me nothing while I have a 100%” Liked pictures about “dating a mentally unstable ho”

It hurt because I was honest. I took accountability not straight away but I tried to talk, apologise, even begged at times for clarity. He wouldn’t hear it.

What gets lost is this I wasn’t the only one who messed up but because I forgave, it will be immature and unfair to use the past to justify my actions.

I guess I can’t blame him for being hurt, there were times I wasn’t the most gentle person with him.

I guess I’m just venting.

I’ve erased so many details because this is already long. I loved him still love him even thought I don’t want to. Maybe he gave 100, but there were moments I felt invisible. He never asked what I studied. Didn’t know how many siblings I had. Always brought things back to himself. I still stayed.

So, I wonder why I stayed in something that didn’t feel right but did at the same time. Why I keep chasing love while ignoring my own healing.

If anything, this is a reminder; unhealed people hurt others even when they mean well. Please journal get to know yourself and what you truly want, I didn’t do that before committing to something new. I pay the price today.

Thanks for letting me confess.

I wonder was that ever even love?