It took me so long to understand

This is something I wrote and I want to share it.

I think I love attention and compliments because my mother never gave me any. I was taught not to be vain and remain humble. I could never dress the way I wanted unless it was by her approval, and even when I did get that she would intensely judge me with a look of disapproval and disgust. I was never allowed to feel beautiful. I was never allowed to wear makeup, have friends, find love. I was never allowed to grow into my own person. I was trapped and she was a hawk never losing sight of me. She was a giver but also a taker and she made sure that we were aware. Either that be in the form of a gift, food, punishment and even love. As easily as she could give she could easily take away. I feared and loved her. And no matter how much I feared and loved her it was never enough. It’s as if she hated me. I always tried to please her and be her so called favorite child, but it was a game of tag with her. One week she could shower me with love and affection and the next week she would hate me and I would become the shun of the family. I wasn’t allowed to speak unless spoken too and even when I tried to speak I was turned away. And the older I became the worse she treated me. Now that I look back she wasn’t a loving and overprotective mother she simply hated me, and to my belief, jealous. And no matter how much she tried to convince me that I wasn’t beautiful, it was never enough. She stripped me layer by layer until I was nothing. She made me feel as if I was nothing. But I’m not nothing, I am beautiful, I am important and I am loved and I will become everything she said I couldn’t.